World's Greatest...

There is this trainer, who for all intents and purposes I am basically infatuated with. Her name is Chalene Johnson, and is the creator of Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire, ChaLEAN Extreme, turbokick.com and many other fitness programs. I have this unnatural sort of obsession with her because I feel like she is largely responsible for the success of my weight loss journey. Fifteen months ago when I was still fresh into the whole weight loss thing, a friend suggested that I try Turbo Jam and I've been addicted to her workouts ever since, and have since also taken an interest in her as a person...now I know I might be starting to sound like a stalker here, but really as far as it goes is reading her blog and being a fan of her on Facebook. I don't get her tweet's sent to my phone or anything...I'm not that crazy. Anyway, she (or some assistant of hers) posts pretty regularly on Facebook and a lot of the time the stuff she posts is cheesy motivational stuff that makes me start to question why I like her so much, but last week she posed the question:

"If you could be known as the World's Greatest __________, what would you want to be known as?"

I'd been thinking about it a lot, and there are a couple answers that came to mind very quickly, but I didn't feel like I could sum it up into a one or two word answer. Maybe I expect too much from myself, maybe I hold my abilities as more highly attainable than they actually are, or maybe the once quoted, "I'd rather shoot for the stars and miss than aim for a pile of doggy do and hit" has just stuck with me. At any rate, I was thinking how much I want to be just like Chalene. In her quasi-celebrity standing, she really seems like she's got it all together. She's positive, fit, successful, publicly she is an outstanding mom and wife, she's very motivated and energetic, almost everything I hope to be myself. I say, almost, because she's not a follower of Christ, or I've at least not seen any indication of that in anything I've known of her. So, I look at her and I think, I want to be just like you, but BETTER. I want to be a personal trainer, and when I look at the way she's done it and the cult following she has, I feel like she's an awesome person to emulate, I see her energy and positive attitude--and while it very well maybe speed--I desire that for myself too (the positive attitude, not the drugs!) So, I look at her and she's got all of the professional success stuff down, and she bridges into the personal success with her public parenting being top notch, but I think that there's an even better example of relational and faith based success and that's the Proverbs 31 woman.

I feel like it's important to note that I don't assume that there is qualitative or quantitative measure of success or failure in the Christian walk--except by the measure of professing to be a follower of Christ and living in a way that would taint the message whereas actually preventing people from establishing a relationship with Him--but I do feel like there are certain characteristics of individuals that we can look at and think, that's how it should be done. Much like my obsession with Chalene, I am completely consumed by my desire to be like the woman described in Proverbs 31. After completing a Bible study a few months ago on 'Biblical Beauty' where she was referred to as the "ideal woman," I can't think of anything I'd rather be more. Looking strictly at the language element of that title...ideal, what is better than that? She really is the BEST mom and wife, not just portrayed that way in the little 5 minute vignette after the workout where you "get to know your trainer" and it creates the dynamic of look at my perfect life and family and home and if you do this workout you'll be just like me, perfect, thin, beautiful, successful, with perfect children, a perfect husband, and a perfect multimillion dollar home in southern California with his and hers gas guzzling SUVs and millions of friends. The BIG difference here is that the ideal woman didn't write Proverbs 31 about herself, her money didn't go to the production company to script, film, edit and produce the perfect glimpse into her life. She didn't go around looking for fame, but she got it just by being an amazing woman. It says that her kids talked about what a great mom she was, her husband was successful because of her support, even this chapter is King Lemuel conveying the message that his mother taught him about what to look for in a wife. This woman's reputation is remarkable! AND SHE LOVES THE LORD!! No matter how many days or weeks or even months have gone by since I completed that study, I literally every day think about how I can be more like that woman, which makes it even more frustrating when I see all of the popular negative representations of women and the marriage dynamic.

I know that most of it is portrayed in ways that are intended to be joking and is simply an effort to poke fun at the hormonal state of women and make light of the monthly mood swings, but it's frustrating and potentially even damaging to the marriage relationship when these attitudes and states are portrayed as normal. I recently read something that said something along the lines of "In a marriage there is the wrong way to do things, and then there is the wife's way" and the, "I'm king of the castle when she's not around" "Happy wife, happy life" all of these things which paint the role of a wife to be this horrible manipulating dictator. Then I watch shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "King of Queens" and see the role that the wives on these shows play as nagging and pushy and crabby and complaining and the men are made out to be the bad guy because they are causing her to be this way!?! It makes me angry, because this isn't normal, this isn't the role we were intended to fill as wives, or mothers, this isn't even the good enough role, this is bordering on the barely passable as acting wife and/or mother. Just because you exchange vows and rings doesn't make you a good wife, and the carrying of a life in your womb makes you no more of an adequate mother and caregiver than picking up a stray puppy off the side of the road. These are roles that require effort, training and constant determination to do better, just like aiming for constant promotions in the work place. This is the reason why there are millions of books out there like "The Power of a Praying Wife/Mother" "Nurturing the Leader Within Your Child" "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" "For Women Only" All of these training manuals per se on how to keep getting better at what you do. I want to do that!! I want to fill that role!! I want to be just like that woman that King Lemuel's mother described, I want to fulfill the roles that God has appointed to me so well that others take note and say, I want to be like HER! This is not because I'm vain, or I want to be a celebrity, fame is by all means the very last thing that I desire for my life. I like to keep my personal affairs private and that's not possible in the case of celebrity, I want to be like the woman in my life whom I feel exemplifies all of these properties, the woman whom I hope to someday be like, I want to be that woman for some other woman, or even more importantly for my daughters.

The band Everclear has a song called "Everything to Everyone" which talks about a woman whom they ridicule because she tries to be everything to everyone, but I don't think that's a bad thing, per se. I want to be everything to everyone who I have a duty to, to my husband, I want to be EVERYTHING that a wife can be, to my children I want to be EVERYTHING that a mother can be, to the students I help to lead in youth ministry, I want to be EVERYTHING that a youth leader can be, to the individuals that I will someday train, I want to be EVERYTHING that personal trainer can be, the same goes as a daughter, sister, friend and most importantly follower of Christ. Even Paul said in 1 Corinthians 9:22 "I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." You see, if I am not in the practice of putting my everything into all things, I will not put my everything into the things that mean the most. I will not put my everything into reaching others for the sake of the gospel. Christ deserves our very best for the sake of all that He has given for us, and what better way to honor and celebrate the blessings of the roles that He has placed me in than to give them my very best?!

So, I guess it comes back around to this. When I think about what "World's Greatest" I want to be, I can't give it a simple answer, but I suppose I could sum it up like this...I want to be the World's Greatest Christ-Fearing Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Motivating Personal Trainer guided by the gentle instruction of Proverbs 31, sharing the gospel and spreading the message of Christ's love to ALL people by fulfilling all of my roles to the very best of my ability, so that when my time comes the Lord might lovingly look upon me and say, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

Waging War on Weekend Weight Gain

With the weekend looming merely hours away, I am wrought with fear that I'll remake all of the same mistakes that I've made the last 6 or so weekends, sending my weight back on the upswing. Having accomplished a major weight loss goal this week, I am determined to keep it together food wise, and was thinking that some of my health conscious friends might benefit from the encouragement and suggestions that I have to offer.

DISCLAIMER: Any suggestions that I may offer are simply my own. I am not a health care professional, nutritionist or personal trainer (yet ;) ), just a girl whose been on this journey for almost 2 years now and has picked up a few things along the way that seem to work. Take it or leave it :)

So, as I was making my breakfast this morning and whipping up a little concoction that has become one of my favorite healthy morning treats, I got to thinking that others might like it too...I know my family does. You see, I have this passion for all things crunchy and in my journey that has been a major struggle, while there is crunch in a fresh apple, or celery or baby carrots, it simply does not satisfy the same way as those pearly whites crashing through a potato chip or nice hard pretzel rod or even the crispy coating on a freshly fried chicken tender. Beyond that, I am a carb freak, I mean honestly, what woman isn't? What I'm getting at by telling you this is that several months ago I had a devastating craving for a crispy fried potato pancake...which of course is DEFINITELY NOT on my meal plan. So, I got to thinking about what I might do and came up with this delectable little treat.

Savory Oatmeal Pancake. Now I know that doesn't sound very tasty when you think of the gummy blob in your breakfast bowl that honestly only tastes good if it's loaded down with butter and brown sugar, but trust me and keep reading. This went through several experimental phases and lots of modifications and didn't wind up coming out much like a potato pancake but it sure is tasty. Anyway, this is what it boils down to. For quite some time I've been using oatmeal as a healthy replacement for breadcrumbs in things like meatballs or meatloaf and go the idea to grind and season it so that it took on the same general consistency as bread crumbs...it worked. So busting out my trusty Magic Bullet, I dumped in some oats and a good few shakes of the Mrs. Dash Tomato Basil Garlic seasoning and pulsed away. Still slightly suspect, I decided to throw caution to the wind and follow through with my original concept. I sauteed up onions, and green peppers and set them aside. Then I took 2 egg whites, scrambled them up with some of the oatmeal "bread crumbs," mixed in the veggies and dumped it back into the skillet with some cooking spray. About a minute on each side and it forms together like a delicious savory pancake, which I like to top with some fresh salsa or diced tomatoes. It doesn't come out particularly crispy but it is hearty and filling and healthy! The one that I made for myself this morning with turkey bacon, onions and mushrooms and topped with salsa was right at 120 calories! Eat that with some fresh fruit or toss in some shredded cheese and you've got a seriously delicious and healthy meal, that will not leave you feeling like you're starving in 20 minutes! Plus, you can put practically anything in it!

Anyway, I threw out that story and "recipe" if you will, to get at a certain point. There are plenty of foods that with a simple modification can chop your calories and especially your sodium content by more than 1/2.

Suggestion 1: Always be thinking of simple modifications to make your foods healthier. Swap oatmeal for breadcrumbs or other binding agent in some of your more caloric dense foods. Use a low fat or fat free ranch dressing in place of mayo for an even healthier tuna or chicken salad.

Suggestion 2: Always be prepared! The weekend is the worst time for spontaneous restaurant stops or meals on the go, but if you have the opportunity to know where you are going to eat before you pull into the parking lot, do your research. Take some time to look up the menu and nutrition information online before you go the restaurant. Have in mind exactly what you are going to order and stick to it.

Suggestion 3: When eating out, avoid the extras. Ask the server not to bring bread rolls, or chips and salsa so that you don't take in all of those extra calories! Not even having them on the table keeps you from having to resist the temptation.

Suggestion 4: Don't be afraid to ask for modifications to your meal. Ask for your protein to be grilled without butter or oil, for no salt to be added. Ask for your vegetables to be steamed rather than cooked in a butter bath...ACTUALLY EAT YOUR VEGETABLES! Ask for the dressing on your salad to be served on the side, that way you control the calories, not the sauce happy server.

Suggestion 5: When out and about on the weekend bring healthy snacks with you. This will keep your metabolism high and will keep you from being so hungry that when you pop in at a random restaurant you over eat.

Suggestion 6: Avoid eating in front of the television or at the movie theatre. When you are preoccupied you aren't aware of how much you are eating and are more prone to over eat. When watching a movie at home, if you must snack, make it a healthy one and only take the portion that you intend to eat out of the kitchen.

Suggestion 7: This is perhaps the most important suggestion that I can offer you, for the weekend or any other day of the week, especially if you are actively trying to lose weight. WRITE IT DOWN! Everything that you eat keep in a food journal, there are ones that you can use online or do the pen and paper method. My personal choice is the lovely LoseIT app on my iPhone which keeps it all together for me, and I ALWAYS have it with me. It may seem tedious, and in a great many ways, it is, but the fact of the matter is this, if you aren't writing it down it's easy to develop that food amnesia where you forget about that bite of pizza or handful of cereal, the M&Ms here or cookie there.

Set realistic goals for yourself and strive hard to achieve them. Make them realistic and regularly check your progress on achieving them. If you aren't on track to meet them by your deadline consider pushing your deadline back, but work hard to achieve the goal and don't beat yourself up over not meeting the goal or having a bad day, or even a bad meal, just start fresh the next meal or next day, don't wait for a new week or use one mistake to sabotage yourself further.

My goal is to be healthy and inspire those around me to become more healthy as well.

"Oh How God Loves Us"

Feeling very worshipful on this gorgeous fall morning, I was in the kitchen preparing breakfast and loudly singing my new favorite worship song, "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder. Michaela was singing along with me when all of a sudden she stopped and looked at me and said, "Mommy, who loves us?" To which I of course responded "God" She then resumed her singing at the top of her lungs "OH, HOW GOD LOVES US, OH...HOW GOD LOVES US!" Even in my own worship and with my heart attuned to the Lord, it brought fresh perspective to my anthem. I think that when we replace the name of the Lord with a pronoun that sometimes removes the significance of the message, not that the message is diluted but sometimes the application is.

GOD LOVES ME!

Sometimes I have to take a moment to stop and fully acknowledge that. It was especially profound this morning that Michaela would make that lyrical swap since I had just read the following devotion:

Who Is Your Looking-Glass Self?

Not long ago I received in the mail a postcard from a friend that had on it only six words, "I am the one Jesus loves." I smiled when I saw the return address, for my strange friend excels at these pious slogans. When I called him, though, he told me the slogan came from the author and speaker Brennan Manning. At a seminar, Manning referred to Jesus' closest friend on earth, the disciple named John, identified in the Gospels as "the one Jesus loved." Manning said, "If John were to be asked, 'What is your primary identity in life?' he would not reply, 'I am a disciple, an apostle, an evangelist, an author of one of the four Gospels,' but rather, 'I am the one Jesus loves.'" What would it mean, I ask myself, if I too came to the place where I saw my primary identity in life as "the one Jesus loves"? How differently would I view myself at the end of the day? Sociologists have a theory of the looking-glass self: you become what the most important person in your life (wife, father, boss, etc.) thinks you are. How would my life change if I truly believed the Bible's astounding words about God's love for me, if I looked in the mirror and saw what God sees? Brennan Manning tells the story of an Irish priest who, on a walking tour of a rural parish, sees an old peasant kneeling by the side of the road, praying. Impressed, the priest says to the man, "You must be very close to God." The peasant looks up from his prayers, thinks a moment, and then smiles, "Yes, he's very fond of me." -Philip Yancey, Grace (Visual Edition) Q: "How would my life change," Yancey says, "if I truly believed the Bible's astounding words about God's love for me, if I looked in the mirror and saw what God sees?"

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The fact is, God loves me. Period. He loves me, not some idea of me at my full potential. He doesn't love me for what I might become, for what I will do for His kingdom, for the amount I tithe, or the number of hours I spend praying, reading, worshiping, or scrubbing the toilets at church. He loves me simply because I am His creation. Some of the other lyrics to that song are, "He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane and I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy" and I think about the visual and physical implications of those lyrics. The force of a hurricane is unstoppable. There is nothing in the path of a hurricane that can avoid being touched by the force of it's wind and rain. God's love is that overwhelming force, I am overtaken by His love, overwhelmed by the "weight of his wind and mercy."

The last couple of weeks I've really be pondering the volume of Christ's love for me and my family. Alex hurt his back at work about 2 weeks ago now. He's been in and out of the chiropractor's, worker's comp doctor and physical therapists' offices while he's been on light duty at work. While the situation seems tragic, and in many ways it is, it's been a bit of a blessing in disguise. For the last 3 weeks, Alex has been working in the office, and has been able to see a lot of the "behind the scenes" elements of the job and develop an even greater respect and appreciation for doing quality work. He also has proven his professionalism and dependability with the supervisors and may potentially be a candidate for a promotion at some point in the future. In addition, he's been able to have the weekends off, which means that he's been able to spend some really important time with me and the girls, including our camping getaway this past weekend.

I think if you asked Alex or I individually we'd both agree that we think we are a pretty romantic couple and generally speaking are both always looking for ways to display our love to each other, but it becomes just how apparent how much romance and closeness has been lost, when you have the opportunity to be alone together for 3 days and reestablish that closeness and romance. Getting away from all of the busyness and chaos of our schedules, having a break from the responsibilities of the children and housekeeping, of working and home maintenance and simply marveling at the wonder of God's creation was just what we needed. When I think about the last time we went camping (5 years ago), acknowledging and praising God for His creation was the last thing on either of our minds, as we reached for another beer and worked on our tan as we floated down the river. Having a REAL relationship with Christ and having that as the center of our relationship made this camping trip so much more rewarding for us! We had the opportunity to take a bike ride on the most beautiful wooded path, I've ever experienced. The 2 of us being alone, winding through the woods and marveling at the fall colors popping up around us, taking in the aromas after the morning rain and celebrating this amazing marriage that God has given us, was rejuvenating. Probably the most profound expression and celebration of God's creation and His love for us was our hike.

We took a 4 mile, or so, hike through some of the most amazing wooded paths we've ever walked. Feeling the healthy exertion as we climbed higher, gave us praise for healthy bodies, reflecting on even the minute details of plant life, mushroom hunting, marveling at the grandiosity of the trees that towered over us, and then reaching the pinnacle...McAdams Peak. This is one of the highest points in the hills and an amazing look out point. From here we could see the winding of the Mississippi and Illinois rivers, the vastness of the prairie and wetland surrounding the river valley, and even an eagle soaring over the river, all in the warm late afternoon sun. As we stood there holding each other, we praised God for His creation, brought to fruition by the utterance of a word and that He would love us so much to give this to us!

Oh, how God loves us! I am the one Jesus loves!

Daddys and Bedtime Prayers

Bed time prayers are one of the simple pleasures of being a parent that I treasure more than nearly any other task that I complete daily. The confidence in knowing that your child/children, even at ages 1 and 3 are developing a relationship with God and learning to communicate with Him is one of the most beautiful and rewarding aspects of parenthood. Tonight, as I was putting Michaela to bed, after 2 nights of someone else doing it, and she was giggling as we teasingly thanked God for pickles, peanut butter and hippopotamuses, and she reached up to give me "Eskimo kisses" I immediately flashed back to memories of my bed time prayers with my daddy.

My dad is very special to me, in a great many ways that I hadn't observed over the last many years. When there is the teenage rebellion, the overly confident college independence and the scoffing at unsolicited advice in early parenthood it's easy to forget, overlook or simply ignore the life that he spoke into me, the lessons he taught me and some of the great memories that I have because of him. When faced with the prospect of losing that relationship, not having him as a sounding board, a gentle spirit or even the rambling chatterbox, those thoughts and memories become far more precious and the respect and value that I possess for my dad becomes ever more apparent. Tonight, one of those very special memories flashed to mind, as after spending the night with MoMo and PaPa, Michaela eagerly gave "Eskimo kisses" which was always one of my dad's trademark moves.

Our bedtime routine, though it wasn't every night, usually went something like this: We'd chat for a bit, maybe he'd read a story or part of a story and then we'd pray the rehearsed prayer, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen." Then he'd give me eskimo kisses, a gentle kiss on the tip of my nose, and then on the forehead. A kiss on the nose is something that is rare and unique and my dad is one of the only ones I've known to do that, so when Michaela tenderly kissed my nose I couldn't help but get teary eyed thinking of those special moments with my dad. And after all the giggles and rehearsed prayers were done he'd say to me the one phrase that even now he'll still whisper on occasion, "I'll hug you forever." No matter where we are in our lives, how far we've drifted apart, whether we talk daily or not for several weeks, I know that he will hug me as long as he has strength enough to lift his arms, and I cherish that, just his promise that he'll always make sure I have milk and oj, how he showed up at my college apartment with them in hand, long talks and all of the memories of bed time prayers and Eskimo kisses.

I love you, Daddy, and I will hug you forever...

Oh what a celebration...

Yesterday, Alex was routed with a very light day, and a very difficult trainee, so when he returned home just a little after noon, he was happy to spend some of the evening out enjoying the gorgeous weather and relieving a little stress. When the girls got up from their naps we spent some time playing outside before we decided to go for a bike ride. Michaela has anxiously been attempting to ride her "big girl bike" with the training wheels for some time now. She is finally getting better at pedaling but our driveway is simply too small for her to really get the hang of it so we thought we'd let her try it out at Cliff Cave on the trail, fully prepared to strap it to the bike trailer when she tired out. With a little frustration and a very pokey toddler we made it nearly a 1/2 mile down the trail when we decided it was time for her to get in the trailer or else we'd never finish before sunset. Well, the ride was gorgeous. It was just before sunset, the air was cool the sounds of the birds were all around us, and we saw at least a dozen deer in the fields. Since it was late when we finished our ride, we opted to get dinner out, as opposed to making our very hungry children wait any longer to eat, so we went to a new buffet restaurant called Golden Corral.

Now, typically I'm not one for buffet restaurants. I don't feel like it's worth the price for me since I'm not going to make 5 trips to the buffet line, but the kids ate free and Alex would make several trips so the cost would be comparable to any other restaurant. Immediately when we got inside though, my heart broke. As I looked around, all that I saw were severely overweight people at every table, and I felt like this establishment was nothing but a celebration of gluttony. As I made my way down the buffet line, carefully trying to pick out the foods that weren't swimming in a pool of butter, or deep fat fried, and loaded down with heavy creams, my options were severely limited. While all the while people pushed passed me with plates in each hand loaded down with fried chicken, okra, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, baked spaghetti, pizza, and french fries. Or full dinner plates with a whole array of desserts! Now maybe this is harsh for me to be saying, maybe I should shut up, since it wasn't that long ago that I was making my 6th trip to the buffet line for another plate of nachos, but I've never felt so emotionally wounded for people in all my life.

I want to make my point perfectly clear, this is not a criticism of the individuals; while I feel there are always much better options that could have been chosen, this is largely a criticism of the establishment. It was as if this was a place where obesity was not only accepted but celebrated and encouraged. You were encouraged to make several trips, the restaurant made no attempt at offering anything with any health merit. A few raw veggies on the salad bar, but tucked between premixed salads with rich cream dressings. Two options of fresh fruit, again tucked behind the cherry pie filling, and peaches in heavy syrup, every cooked vegetable was bathing in melted butter or stationed next to the pump of nacho cheese sauce to be topped with. And all the while as I sat there, watching this take place I couldn't help but think of Jillian Michaels. Since my obsession with all things fitness, especially Biggest Loser, she has become an important part of my life through her work out DVDs, daily email support, and updates of her app on my phone, she's on my mind a lot. I was wondering what her response would be walking into that place. Would it be heart break like I felt, or anger, or sheer disgust? And I couldn't help but contemplate the name of the establishment...Golden Corral. I'm pretty sure that the name is intended to indicate the carved ham, turkey and steak that are available at the buffet line but my mind went to the concept of animals at the feeding trough, being fattened up for the slaughter. I don't want to be likened to an animal of any sort, especially not in my eating habits, and especially not like that.

Perhaps the most heart breaking was the children. I have an especially soft spot in my heart for kids who are overweight. I largely feel like they are a victim of their circumstances, they have no choice over their weight gain until they make their own food decisions and even then, without having been properly educated their choice is made for them. Seeing as how I've spent the better portion of my life as morbidly obese by medical standards, I know the pain of being an overweight child. I know the challenges, I know how mean other kids can be, I know what it's like to not be able to wear the same clothing as everyone else, because it doesn't come in your size and I hurt for those kids. The kids with the 3rd bowl of whipped cream, plates full of cookies, brownies, cup cakes and ice cream. Plates mounded with mac and cheese and french fries but never any vegetables. Even with the butter bath the vegetables were swimming in I felt it was still the valuable option for nutrients, but I guess I was in the minority. I left there feeling sad and even more secure in the choice that's pulling me towards a career in health and fitness.

Jealousy and Insecurity

I suppose that I'll start today's post with something I've been thinking over a lot lately, it's something I wrote a few days ago, it isn't fully developed and I've been unable to completely articulate everything I've been thinking, but even as such haven't been able to shake the concept from my mind. That's largely because I don't feel like I've fully hashed it out just yet...but I thought I'd share:

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made…

The nature of this post spawns from my own insecurities and inadequacies. As I was changing clothes to partake of my daily obsessive workout routine, I caught sight of my partially clothed body in the mirror and my already wavering morale for the day, immediately plummeted and I wondered if I would ever be happy with the image that I saw starring back at me. I mean here I am, I’ve lost 115 lbs in 18 months and I’m still miserably discontented with my appearance. The voice of faith and reassurance in the back of my mind piped up, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” but my own insecurities and natural tendency to argue all sides of an argument started to contemplate…

I was knit together in my mother’s womb, fearfully and wonderfully made, but that’s where the creation role stopped. Just like the nature of our sinful world, it was created perfect and without blemish, but we screwed it up. God created me, perfect and without blemish, but from there it was up to me to treat his beautiful creation properly and care for it accordingly. I think about this world, and while God knew the nature of what would happen, the tragic sinful existence that we all would choose, I’m sure it is never what he hoped for humanity. I have to think that in the same way, he looks upon His children which he created with such care and precision and he never would have hoped for them to become drug addicts, or alcoholics, or even food addicts, abusing his creation.

I think of it a lot like this. We are God’s masterpiece. When an artist creates a masterpiece he treats it with care. It is hung in the most perfect of locations, protected in the proper light, no one touches it, or defiles it in anyway. That’s the intended function of that piece, to be beautiful and prized. Imagine the horror that the artist would feel to find that his painting had been used as a table cloth or maybe a drop cloth for a painter, perhaps to wash a car or mop up the bathroom floor. In the same way he would still cherish the piece but mourn over its mistreatment. I think of humans in the same way, and for the sake of my argument I will tackle only the issue that I struggle with, obesity and food addiction. I wonder if God looks upon me and while he still cherishes me as his precious child and the masterpiece that he created, if he does not mourn in the way I’ve mistreated myself, the way that I’ve abused his creation. Over stretched, fed and indulged…

With these thoughts pervasive in my mind, I started a new Bible study for my personal benefit on the subject of jealousy. It wouldn't seem that the two were all that similar or related but the parallels, even on this first day are so astounding that I had to come write about it. Beginning the study we are diving it at the core issues of a jealous heart. Even on page 1 it says this "Jealousy is not the problem. Jealousy is a symptom of a broken heart." As a general rule I don't see myself as a jealous person, but that might be largely due to the fact that I typically only think of jealousy in the relationship setting. I'm not jealous of my husband's ex-girlfriends (I already won that fight) I don't distrust him, or get anxious if he is around other women. I trust him completely, but I have come to realize the things that I am jealous about, especially as it pertains to my health and physical fitness. I'm jealous of the size of other women. I get jealous that some of my close friends can eat whatever they like and not gain an ounce, while I must carefully calculate everything I put into my mouth. I'm jealous that I can't buy smaller sizes, of friends who own houses while we still rent, jealous of nicer things, vehicles, clothing, jewelry, financial security...but why does any of that matter?

I got to thinking about what it said in the study and as it developed more..."Jealousy is they symptom of a broken heart" The prime issue is distrust. Distrust in people, and distrust in God. In Psalm 22:9 it says, "Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made trust in you even at my mother's breast." We were created to trust. I know this is true when I think about the outrageous things that my kids will believe when I tell them. They believe in Santa, the Easter bunny, they believe that teachers live at school, Mommy & Daddy never sleep (because we always go to bed after them and are up before them), and even that the Binky Fairies take their pacifiers to new babies when they get too old for them. They have complete trust in me, and therefore it is my role not to betray that, though it will inevitably happen to them at some point in their young lives, someone will betray their trust, someone will let them down, something will go wrong. The key is to remember that we have lost trust in people it is the people who have let us down, yet somehow we mistake that for God. The study says, "The vacuum created by the lack of trust in our lives beckons jealousy into the empty space. Because so many of life's experiences cannot be accepted without the eyes of faith, we set our sights on acquiring earthly possessions or position to ease the ache of our bewilderment over what God has 'allowed' to happen to us."

I feel challenged to contemplate what it is in my life that has forced such insecurity to the forefront of my existence. What is the source of my inadequacy, the distrust that I've experienced that forces me to long for everything that others have? Father God, I pray that you search my heart and reveal to me this hurt, this anxiety, distrust and source of my jealousy. That you prepare me to accept the things that You reveal to me and make me receptive to your wisdom and life change you have in store for me. Help me to trust in you more fully, and accept you as the source of my satisfaction, not the possessions or physical state of someone else, and guide me that I might convey your truths and your fulfillment to my children so that they will not blindly seek contentment in anything of this world. Amen.

It's been awhile...

It's been quite some time since I've found my fingers delightfully dancing across my keyboard to share the details of my life with the one person who might actually read this thing, but I've had a lot on my mind lately...maybe enough to share with the anonymous blog stalkers of the internet, maybe not, but at any rate as a good friend just recently launched her own blog it reminded me of the joy and comfort I feel pouring my heart out in literary form.

I love words, I love to right and feel like one of my deepest passions is such. So here I am, jumping off again...perhaps I will be successful and regularly entertain you with my wit and charm or perhaps just like the infomercial "Sonic Blade" you'll find this blog tossed aside with the neon green stirrup pants for someone else to snatch up at the Goodwill. But, at least for now, I am back...