"Jesus Loves Me"

There are certain events and situations in life, that no matter how well you think you'll be able to handle them, seem to hit you like a ton of bricks right to the stomach. This is not to specify any event in particular, but the presence of the unexpected, uninvited, and certainly unwelcome. In these times it feels like even the most eloquent and well intentioned individuals never seem to have the right words to say to express the emotion of the situation, or to offer the adequate encouragement, but sometimes the eloquent is superfluous and it truly is the pedestrian that encompasses all that is necessary.

When I was pregnant with Emily, I had an overwhelming fear of having to re experience the horror of the delivery that I had with Michaela. C-section was like a 4 letter word to me and I would literally have rather carried that child in utero until she was 18 than to have been cut again. I know that my situation was unique, and most c-sections are performed without consequence, but since it had happened so horribly once, I was certain that it would be just as awful. Thankfully I was able to find an OB who was willing to work with me and supported me in my decision to attempt a VBAC, but every ounce of my being was wrought with fear over something going wrong again, and so I resolved that I would do everything "right." I was doing everything I could to ensure that my body would go into labor on it's own, and for fear of medical intervention slowing my progression again, I resolved that I would take no pain medication...no IV, no IV pain meds, and certainly no epidural. In my resolve, when I finally went into labor, I was so afraid of the hospital that I was literally 30 seconds to 1 minute apart on my contractions before I ever went to the hospital.

It wasn't long before I was in hard labor, and as I rest in that hospital bed, doing everything I could to remember my breathing techniques and be a hero through the blinding pain of back labor, trying to focus on the calming environment of the lights low and soft worship music playing as we labored through the night, I started to feel broken. I started to wonder if I could really deliver this child, if I would survive this pain, and there in the midst of my desperation, between the recitation of verses to keep me focused, the precious words of that simple children's song came to mind. There at 4 o'clock in the morning 7 cm and no epidural, I started to sing, "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong" Some how resting on that simple truth was all that I needed to push through to know that even "giving in" and getting the epidural that I'd be safe and protected. In that moment, that song, however simplistic became more essential than I ever imagined it could be.

A few days ago, we had a Night of Worship at our church and one of the song selection during that evening was "Jesus Loves Me" Among all of the songs that evening, classic hymns, contemporary worship, and this simple children's song, my heart was most spoken to in that one short chorus. In all of the busyness of life, I'd gotten so stressed and stuffed it all down so deep and just like a wave crashing through a dam I finally allowed my emotions to release and I was touched more deeply in that single chorus than ever before. It was almost humorous that on our way home, that evening my husband and I were discussing the evening and how nice it was to have that opportunity, when he said, "Jesus Love's Me, was a little odd though." And I couldn't have disagreed more.

It was as if that night was my reminder, the preface for the challenging week that I would face, as if God was using that one song to say, "Things are gonna get really tough again soon, but remember that in it all, I still love you. Though you may feel weak and small, I'm holding you in my arms and will always protect you" And so today, in the midst of the unforseen, unexpected and unwelcome, I sing out, "Jesus Loves Me" and with every fiber of my being cling to those words, because when all else is ever changing that's the one constant in my life.