Week 41: *Gasp* I'm going to be a MOM!!!

Ok, so my stubborn little child has not yet made her appearance. She has pretended like she was ready a few times only to laugh at me when we finally got to the hospital.

So here I am a mere hours before my scheduled induction and I'm slightly terrified. The whole thought that I'm going to be a mom in less than 2 days is overwhelming. I think it was easier to deal with the idea that she could come at anytime but having a more definite point to focus on has just made me freak out more. I have felt all along that I was ready with the nursery and all and then today I am struck with an overwhelming feeling of unpreparedness. This morning I woke up early to spend some time with Alex before he left for work. I quickly became consumed by all of the little household chores that needed to be done and decided that I would leave work at 2:30 to have some time to finish up everything at a decent time tonight and still try and get a good night's sleep--from what I hear will be my last for a very long time. Having finally made it home I am quite frustrated with myself for going to work at all. My mind was all over the place and I did my absolute best to try and focus on my work and keep myself busy but as a result I wasn't able to leave until 4. This put me home considerably later than anticipated and as a result has completely drained any drive to accomplish the necessary tasks of this evening. I know they all must be completed before tomorrow but I am encountering much difficulty in finding the motivation to do so.

I am freaked out. I don't really know how else to put that. There is so much to think about and so much on my mind. So here is the low down on what is supposed to happen tomorrow. At 6:30 am, I am supposed to call and make sure that everything is still good for me to come in at 7:30. As long as everything is still the way it is supposed to be I will then go to the hospital. After about 30 minutes of prepping me and watching what my body is doing on its own, they will start the Cervadel. This is supposedly a small piece of fabric that has a time release of medication to ripen my cervix. This is designed to slowly release for 12 hours. After those 12 hours if I am making progress as I should, they will start the Pitocin to increase the frequency and intensity of my contractions. My doctor says that she anticipates that I won't actually deliver until some time on Thursday. This means a minimum of 18 hours of labor. That is a bit of a daunting forecast. Also, I'm stressed!

You see, I work with my mom in a small office and we are the only two in the office so I will obviously be out of the office tomorrow which can prevent her from being there with me. So I'm hoping that by some chance I don't actually deliver until late tomorrow evening or later in the day on Thursday. I'm sure that it is infrequent that you hear a woman ask for her labor to be long, but I just don't want my mom to miss it. It is her first grandchild and I just want my mom to be there for the delivery. Let me clarify that by the way--there at the hospital, NOT there in the room. Alex will be there the whole time and that is truly what is most important but I just can't imagine my mom not being there. I guess I just have to rely on God because these next few days are bound to be difficult!!

Week 40: Where is my baby???

So I was due yesterday and here I am still pregnant. I know that due dates are only and estimate but I am just really wanting to meet my baby girl. I'm cranky and way past miserable and every little twinge I am holding my breath that it turns into a contraction. I know that no matter what I will definitely be having this baby by Thursday (being induced on Wednesday) but the whole thought of induction really freaks me out.

I know that there are tons of women who are induced and still have healthy deliveries without the necessity of any intervention but there are also the other statistics...

30% of all inductions result in c-sections!!!

I know that there are also tons of women who have c-sections and are fine with healthy babies but again, I am afraid of a c-section. I just feel like if I am induced it could be forcing something that my body isn't ready for, but at the same time, if I wait it may result in this child just continuing to grow and being too large for me to deliver which could result in a c-section again. Induction can also put a lot of stress on the baby. I just don't want to pump my body and hers full of drugs to get her to come out, especially since I've heard that it is practically impossible to deliver after an induction without an epidural and I would really like to try and do it naturally. It is so funny how none of these things had really ever occurred to me before I got pregnant. I mean understandably so, why consume your thoughts with what decisions you'll make when you happen to be pregnant if you aren't? But what is so bizarre to me is the fact that this is all that I can think about. Honestly, I don't think a single day goes by that I don't think about when I might go into labor or what it will feel like? Whether or not I will be able to handle the pain without an epidural and how long it will take?

I think at this point the hardest part is just waiting. I get really anxious every time Alex leaves for fear that I will go into labor while he is gone. I know that very rarely does labor progress so quickly that he couldn't make it back in time but I don't want to be alone when it happens. All day I pray that nothing happens until I get home and he is there with me and then I pray all night that I will start having contractions. I never thought that I would actually be praying for pain--but here I am, every night I pray that I will go into labor before the morning. I know that everything will happen on God's timing but at this point I feel like all of the doctors are saying she's ready, I'm ready, and it should just happen. It is especially frustrating because everyone had anticipated that I would deliver early and now here I am "past due."

I'm just going crazy because everything is ready. The car seat is in the car, the bag is packed, the nursery is ready and the only thing missing is Michaela. It just feels so empty and I don't know when it will feel right or feel complete and I am going crazy with the unknown. It just feels like nothing has progressed. I know that I don't know whether or not I have dilated any further or whether or not she has dropped any further into position but it just doesn't feel like anything has changed. It still feels like she is high, I haven't been having any regular contractions and I feel like I don't know what to do.

I have been reading up on acupressure and reflexology and how those can be used to encourage labor. We have tried some of the pressure point and massage techniques but my hands and fee are so swollen that we can't apply enough pressure to the points. I mean I get big indents in my legs where the water pockets have been pushed aside but it still doesn't result in any contractions or labor progression. I guess she just really isn't ready to come out yet. Oh well--I will just have to wait.

Week 39: No progress

At my doctor's appointment a mere 4 days before my due date I was still only 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced. The baby is still engaged -3. My doctor has scheduled an induction for May 9th at 7:30am if she doesn't decide to get here before then. I have one more doctor's appointment before then.

Week 38: S-L-O-W Baby

So, our dear sweet baby girl has decided that she is still content and warm there inside me. Despite the contractions I have been having she has not dropped, nor has my dilation progressed with any notable change. In a week I have gone from 1cm to 1.5cm and from 30% effaced to 40% effaced. At this rate I should be ready to deliver in somewhere around, I don't know 18 WEEKS!!!

But alas, don't let me make you feel as if I am miserably uncomfortable running to the bathroom every 15 minutes, or that sleeping has become any sort of a complication or God forbid that I stare disdainfully at the chipped polish on my toenails knowing that there is absolutely no way I will be able to either remove or re-polish them any time in the near future. Oh no, don't let me convince you of these things. Rather, continue to ask me "Is she here yet?!?!" or "When are we going to have this baby?" Please don't stop to consider that I am well aware of the fact that "You're HUGE!!"

Let me break down these statements for you...

"Is she here yet?!?!?"-- Oh yes, I'm sorry, I forgot to mention it I did have her already. Just made a quick stop at the hospital as I passed by on my way home from work and still made it home in time to make dinner, managed to get a full night of sleep and arrive at work today looking just the same as yesterday. Oh, the large bulge in my midsection is just last night's dinner it was too delicious to pass up seconds.

"When are we going to have this baby?"-- Sorry I didn't realize this was a group effort. Why don't we compare our schedules and find out what time works best for you? Or better yet, if WE are having this baby then why have I been the only one carrying her for the past 9 months? If WE are having this baby, why don't you take over carrying her for the remainder of the pregnancy. I'm sure you'll fair just fine at this point she only kicks you in the ribs about 50 times each day.

"You're HUGE!!"--Really? I hadn't noticed. I thought that there were magic fairies in my closet shrinking all of my clothes and I thought that Alex had just replaced the mirror in our bedroom with a fun house mirror. I actually chuckle every time I look at it.

On a less sarcastic note...

Update from the doctor and my ultrasound appointment have revealed the following:
As I mentioned above I have progressed from 1 cm to 1.5 and am now 40% effaced, however the doctor was very adamant to ensure that I was prepared to go to the hospital as she thinks she may be seeing me there rather than in her office next week. Additionally, if I don't go into labor before my next appointment on Monday, we are going to talk about possibly inducing--after my due date of course. She had also scheduled an ultrasound to get an estimated weight on the baby. The ultrasound was yesterday and was probably the coolest of all of my ultrasound appointments. I was actually able to see features on her face!! I have never seen a 2D ultrasound come out so clearly and it just made me want her here that much more. The estimated that her current weight is 7lbs 7oz. Of course that is just an estimate and those estimates are often off by as much as a pound. Also, for the first time I got really sick during the ultrasound. First let me say it has been at least 4 months or more since I have laid on my back for any period of time and after laying on my back for nearly 45 minutes for an ultrasound, all of the added weight pressing on all of the blood vessels in my back I started to get nauseous and black out. This really freaked out my student who was sitting in on the ultrasound which actually made the situation quite a bit more humorous.

At any rate, if that is the correct weight...pray she gets here before she gets any bigger :-/

Week 37: Baby Come OUT!!!

Dear Michaela,

I just want to express how much I have enjoyed carrying you for the last 37 weeks. The experience has truly been invaluable. While I am sure that you are pleasantly warm there resting on my bladder, giving it a swift kick every so often, don't you think it is about time you came out?

Honestly sweetheart, I'm not trying to rush you. I am truly looking out only for your best interest. You see, I know that you are growing because your kicks are more intense. I just think that space must be growing awfully small for a growing girl. Once you come out you have a wonderful room waiting for you. It is much larger with plenty of room for you to stretch and play. There is a wonderful soft crib and swing and beautiful pictures that hang on the walls. You will finally get to meet your daddy--to put a face with all of the music and singing. Also we have so many beautiful outfits for you and if you wait much longer they just won't fit.

Please know that Mommy loves you very much but she just feels like she's being selfish. There are so many people who want to meet you and I feel like I should share you with them. If you don't come out soon everyone will just think that I'm trying to keep you from them and then they'll get upset. I know that mommy has sounded a bit grumpy lately, but don't worry--I promise I won't be that way once you get here. You see as you get bigger and run out of space there inside, mommy is also being stretched. Stretched so much her clothes don't exactly fit and her back is getting kinda achy. I know you probably don't feel like you are ready to come out but all of the doctors assure me that you have everything that you need to make it. I promise it's not as cold out here as we say it is and we'll make sure to keep you nice and warm.

I know it is all on your time. Just know that Mommy and Daddy both love you very much and can't wait to meet you.

Love,

Mommy

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So that's the nice way of saying--I'm miserable. PLEASE GET THIS KID OUT OF ME!!!!

I've been having contractions for the last few days. They are still irregular and not very intense. According to the doctor, my cervix is open but not dilated. I'm 90% certain that I lost my mucus plug yesterday which, according to all of my parental female friends, means that I can expect to go into labor sometime in the next few days. Of course the medical personnel say that means sometime in the next few weeks. We're hoping the former rather than the latter. We finished our childbirth classes last night which now have me feeling sufficiently prepared to care for the life of another human being (please note the sarcasm!). I am very anxious to meet her though, as is Alex. We have finished her room and finally feel adequately prepared in terms of items for her arrival.


We have become very well informed on all of the alleged methods for encouraging labor, however, as of yet none of them are producing any real results. There is of course the walking, spicy food, pineapple, and other means. I am reluctant to try the Castor oil but it may very well come to that. Just pray that she gets here soon before I explode. My patience is wearing thin.

Week 35: You expect my body to do WHAT!?!?!

Being 35 weeks pregnant we are gladly approaching the due date very quickly. At this point our child birth classes are well underway each week focusing on a new and more devastating process of labor, but we'll come back to that.

The pregnancy has really begun to wear on me. It is finally to the point where if my shoes don't slip on, I'm not wearing them. Not to mention the fact that my feet look like overstuffed sausages and I'm thinking of posting a reward for anyone who can help me locate my ankles. The swelling has gotten terrible over the past few weeks. This has been especially difficult. With the weather finally warm enough that I may once again don my coveted flip flops only to find that they or any other strappy shoes cause my feet to resemble tied hams. My hands have also gotten much worse. Apparently I am experiencing a normal swelling complication that causes my hands to go numb periodically. This is because my hands have become so swollen that they pinch a nerve cutting off sufficient circulation and causing the tinglies. I have officially reduced my wardrobe to 3 pairs of pants and approximately 5 shirts--except for the occasional surge of creativity when I take my scissors to a t-shirt and present option number 6. The morning sickness is slowly returning and with it a lack of appetite. To prematurely summarize--I'm ready to get this kid out of me.

That sentiment however comes with a very painful realization (pun intended). You see, as I mentioned previously about our childbirth classes we are steadily faced with increasingly devastating images of labor and the labor process. Not to sound like a total idiot as I'm sure I may be coming across at this point but I'm not sure that I'm prepared for my body to accommodate the necessary expansion to allow for a child to pass from me. It is not as if I have never considered the fact that eventually she is going to come out of me and I was well aware of the exit location, however, I had never had to watch it happen before. Now that I'm sounding not only like an idiot, but a sheltered idiot, I feel that I must elaborate.

Throughout high school, I, just like any other student, attended several sex education and health courses, however, by some means I never saw "the video" before. Either because it wasn't shown or I happened to be absent on those particular days. At any rate, just viewing that caused actual physical pain so terrifying that I'm thinking it would be far less painful to just let her stay in there and keep on growing. Of course I am aware of the potential alternative of cesarean and yet that is even more terrifying for various reasons. First, I hate doctors. If I had any other option I am sure that I would live a blissful existence free from the touch of medical professionals and yet my hypochondrias is constantly directing me back into their care. Surgery scares me, recovery time is much longer, as is the risk of infection. I would much prefer to deliver naturally regardless of the overwhelming pain that I am sure to endure.

Naturally, I am aware of the options for pain relief, such as an epidural, and yet in all of my qualms about the pain and agony of labor there is a certain part of me that seriously would rather do it without any pain medication. It has been mentioned that when a woman does opt for an epidural she often must be prompted when to push because so much of the sensation has been removed. She still feels the pressure but not the pain indicative of the necessity to push. Additionally, the use of an epidural eliminates the ability to walk around to encourage labor and the ability to utilize various birthing positions. Probably the most inane concern of all is my feeling of accomplishment. In a way I feel like labor is the most physically intensive activity that any human will ever face. There is a certain rationale that if the labor is medicated I am "a wuss." Not that having a child medicated, or unmedicated is any small feat but I feel as if there will be a greater sense of accomplishment if I do it on my own. After all, women have been doing it for centuries...

Of course my opinion will undoubtedly change when faced with the blinding pain of labor.

Week 31: Getting Bigger

The last few weeks have met us with some unfortunate circumstances which have consumed all of my time and therefore have prevented me from posting. I know that sounds like an excuse but let me fill you in...

On February 15th, Alex fell off of a telephone pole at work and sprained 3 vertebrae and fractured his shin. This meant that he was on crutches and off work for the last few weeks. This also meant that he relied heavily upon me for nearly all of his basic necessities. While it was exhausting, it did give me a glimpse into what it will be like to have someone totally dependent upon me...it was scary... He is doing much better now. He is off of the crutches and slowly regaining strength in his leg. His back is still giving him trouble. He just had an MRI on Thursday to further investigate the extent of his injuries. We will find out the results of the MRI on Monday at his next doctor's appointment. He has also returned to work on light duty meaning office work which he hates.

In other news, my mom also had a brief hospital stay in the last few weeks. She had a lump in one of her breasts which had been growing ever larger for the past 3 months. I finally convinced her to get it checked out and they decided to admit her to the hospital and remove the lump. They haven't yet told her what it was but thankfully, don't think it was cancer. Her hospital stay also left me to manage the office where we work for a few days which was stressful to say the least. She was also diagnosed with diabetes which has her a bit stressed out and has forced her to change her diet.

During this stressful week, I began having some sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I figured I would put them off for as long as possible but after 3 days of them getting worse and then being accompanied by a fever and persistent vomiting, we called my doctor. It was recommended that I go to the hospital for further investigation. They determined that everything was fine with Michaela and the pains weren't Braxton Hicks or anything to be concerned about but likely her hitting a nerve when she was moving. The pains have since subsided. I also had a doctor's appointment on Monday where they determined that I might be gaining too much weight, so I've been scheduled for an ultrasound on Monday the 12th to check the weight of the baby. This has really been concerning me and so I've been doing everything I can to be as healthy as possible. We also start our child birth classes on Monday which is exciting and a bit scary as well because that means we are getting really close.

She is moving all the time which I love and can't wait to meet her, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just not quite ready. Hopefully after the classes I will feel better prepared.