There are certain events and situations in life, that no matter how well you think you'll be able to handle them, seem to hit you like a ton of bricks right to the stomach. This is not to specify any event in particular, but the presence of the unexpected, uninvited, and certainly unwelcome. In these times it feels like even the most eloquent and well intentioned individuals never seem to have the right words to say to express the emotion of the situation, or to offer the adequate encouragement, but sometimes the eloquent is superfluous and it truly is the pedestrian that encompasses all that is necessary.
When I was pregnant with Emily, I had an overwhelming fear of having to re experience the horror of the delivery that I had with Michaela. C-section was like a 4 letter word to me and I would literally have rather carried that child in utero until she was 18 than to have been cut again. I know that my situation was unique, and most c-sections are performed without consequence, but since it had happened so horribly once, I was certain that it would be just as awful. Thankfully I was able to find an OB who was willing to work with me and supported me in my decision to attempt a VBAC, but every ounce of my being was wrought with fear over something going wrong again, and so I resolved that I would do everything "right." I was doing everything I could to ensure that my body would go into labor on it's own, and for fear of medical intervention slowing my progression again, I resolved that I would take no pain medication...no IV, no IV pain meds, and certainly no epidural. In my resolve, when I finally went into labor, I was so afraid of the hospital that I was literally 30 seconds to 1 minute apart on my contractions before I ever went to the hospital.
It wasn't long before I was in hard labor, and as I rest in that hospital bed, doing everything I could to remember my breathing techniques and be a hero through the blinding pain of back labor, trying to focus on the calming environment of the lights low and soft worship music playing as we labored through the night, I started to feel broken. I started to wonder if I could really deliver this child, if I would survive this pain, and there in the midst of my desperation, between the recitation of verses to keep me focused, the precious words of that simple children's song came to mind. There at 4 o'clock in the morning 7 cm and no epidural, I started to sing, "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong" Some how resting on that simple truth was all that I needed to push through to know that even "giving in" and getting the epidural that I'd be safe and protected. In that moment, that song, however simplistic became more essential than I ever imagined it could be.
A few days ago, we had a Night of Worship at our church and one of the song selection during that evening was "Jesus Loves Me" Among all of the songs that evening, classic hymns, contemporary worship, and this simple children's song, my heart was most spoken to in that one short chorus. In all of the busyness of life, I'd gotten so stressed and stuffed it all down so deep and just like a wave crashing through a dam I finally allowed my emotions to release and I was touched more deeply in that single chorus than ever before. It was almost humorous that on our way home, that evening my husband and I were discussing the evening and how nice it was to have that opportunity, when he said, "Jesus Love's Me, was a little odd though." And I couldn't have disagreed more.
It was as if that night was my reminder, the preface for the challenging week that I would face, as if God was using that one song to say, "Things are gonna get really tough again soon, but remember that in it all, I still love you. Though you may feel weak and small, I'm holding you in my arms and will always protect you" And so today, in the midst of the unforseen, unexpected and unwelcome, I sing out, "Jesus Loves Me" and with every fiber of my being cling to those words, because when all else is ever changing that's the one constant in my life.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
We all fall down...
I have a friend who is amazing. She is a fantastic writer and has a super funny blog, where she writes about the dealings of being a stay at home mom, with a little spice, a lot of humor and some 80's song references thrown into the mix. Amidst all the funny stories about her son embarrassing her with unnaturally large "treasures" he's found in his nose, she's got a great message to other moms--it's ok to admit that sometimes its too much and it's ok to ask for help (although she of course puts it way more eloquently than I do.) I've been thinking about this a lot lately. You see, I'm a competitive person. I know a lot of people say that they are competitive, but I'm obsessively competitive, and as a result of my competition, I have a certain drive for perfectionism. This equates to, I have to do everything, do it all myself, and do it better than anyone else has ever done it before and at a certain point...it kinda falls apart.
Let me start by saying this, I love what I do. I love being a mom. I love talking about fitness. I especially love when I can help other people get on track with their health and fitness and they come to me excitedly telling me that they've lost 5 pounds and I know that I've had some part in that! It makes me feel validated, it makes me feel like I've done something right. Especially when considering the role as mom, and the end results of success or failure are so far removed, it's nice to be able to see success in the short term. Of course in my quest for perfection there are certain self-imposed standards that I *must* live up to. Afterall, how can I motivate, inspire and coach others in their health and fitness if I'm not living it? There is a point when at least for a time it might extend beyond your control.
I use caution with statements like that, because I loathe making excuses. I'm not one to ever say to myself, "It's ok to eat that chocolate sundae, you're under a lot of stress right now" rather I will eat the sundae and then berate myself for days over the inherent failure that I am. It's a warped mentality, I know. I was so proud of myself, though. I was less than 10lbs from hitting my ULTIMATE goal weight, 8 lbs to be exact. Things were going well. I had my regular workout regime, I was happy to "push play" every day and push myself to my physical limits. I had my fridge stocked with healthy foods, and the snacks that Alex and the girls kept were no temptation for me, and then the worst possible thing could have happened...steroids!
Almost 2 years ago now, I was told that I had MS, after losing all feeling on the left side of my body. At the time I was still nursing our youngest daughter and so had to allow my body to recover on it's own, as much as it would. Eventually the numbness scaled back to just my left arm, but has remained since, and according to my neuro will remain forever. In spring of last year, as I was begrudgingly anticipating starting my daily injections of beta blockers, I was told that the diagnosis was incorrect, with having only one lesion on my cervical spine the diagnosis was now Clinically Isolated Syndrome and not MULTIPLE sclerosis. This was good news. This meant that I didn't have to take the daily injections, that I might never have another episode, that I might not ever even have to think about this again, except for the necessary coping of having a permanently numb arm. Unfortunately, in my mind, those "mights" became "woulds" and I was convinced that I was fine.
About 2 months ago now, it became glaringly apparent that wasn't the case. As I was taking off my socks one evening and my nail scrapped the bottom of my foot, I noticed that the feeling was gone. Immediately I was gripped with fear and started to tear up. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. By the next morning all of the feeling on my left side was gone again, and so it was off to the neuro to start the s word...steroids. For 2 weeks, every morning I took the awful pills, at ridiculously high doses with out any relief of the numbness. While I didn't get relief, I did get increased appetite, weight gain, irritability, inability to sleep and overall being miserable. After 2 weeks my weight was UP 15lbs. I was less than 8 lbs from my goal, and now here I was a full 23 away now! How could this happen?! Since that time, it's been a huge struggle. I'll lose a little, and gain it right back. I'll put reminders all over my kitchen, threatening messages on my refrigerator and pantry touting, "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO EAT THAT?" And apparently even though I don't want the weight gain, and I'll beat myself up over it for days, I eat it anyway.
So a few days ago, I made a resolution. I had 60 days until an important event, and at that point, I was just a little over 15 lbs from my ultimate goal weight...you see where I'm going with this...so I had 60 days to lose 15lbs, that was just 1 lb every 4 days...I could do that. The first day went well, so did the 2nd, and most of the 3rd. Sunday is always a struggle for me. It's my "rest" day where I don't work out, and usually struggle the most with bad food choices. I thought I had done well. I had only a few M&Ms outside of my rigid meal plan, but apparently I had too much salt, because yesterday morning when I stepped on the scale and saw another gain, it was too much to bear, and so I self sabotaged, because that of course is the logical thing to do, and loaded up on carbs. I literally felt like I ate everything I saw, all the while feeling guilty and hearing that voice inside scream out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" Though I was able to shut her up with the batch of Bailey's cupcakes that I made, eating 2 giant ones... and then I went to bed with the personal promise to wake up early and work out, to get in an extra one today and to monitor my intake perfectly.
The alarm went off, and in the very literal sense I rolled over pulled the blanket of depression up over my face, and when I finally did get out of bed in response to the prodding of hungry toddlers, what did I consume for breakfast, but another Bailey's cupcake...because, just like the lyrics of the favorite kids song, "Ring Around the Rosie," we all fall down...now the key is just to get back up.
Let me start by saying this, I love what I do. I love being a mom. I love talking about fitness. I especially love when I can help other people get on track with their health and fitness and they come to me excitedly telling me that they've lost 5 pounds and I know that I've had some part in that! It makes me feel validated, it makes me feel like I've done something right. Especially when considering the role as mom, and the end results of success or failure are so far removed, it's nice to be able to see success in the short term. Of course in my quest for perfection there are certain self-imposed standards that I *must* live up to. Afterall, how can I motivate, inspire and coach others in their health and fitness if I'm not living it? There is a point when at least for a time it might extend beyond your control.
I use caution with statements like that, because I loathe making excuses. I'm not one to ever say to myself, "It's ok to eat that chocolate sundae, you're under a lot of stress right now" rather I will eat the sundae and then berate myself for days over the inherent failure that I am. It's a warped mentality, I know. I was so proud of myself, though. I was less than 10lbs from hitting my ULTIMATE goal weight, 8 lbs to be exact. Things were going well. I had my regular workout regime, I was happy to "push play" every day and push myself to my physical limits. I had my fridge stocked with healthy foods, and the snacks that Alex and the girls kept were no temptation for me, and then the worst possible thing could have happened...steroids!
Almost 2 years ago now, I was told that I had MS, after losing all feeling on the left side of my body. At the time I was still nursing our youngest daughter and so had to allow my body to recover on it's own, as much as it would. Eventually the numbness scaled back to just my left arm, but has remained since, and according to my neuro will remain forever. In spring of last year, as I was begrudgingly anticipating starting my daily injections of beta blockers, I was told that the diagnosis was incorrect, with having only one lesion on my cervical spine the diagnosis was now Clinically Isolated Syndrome and not MULTIPLE sclerosis. This was good news. This meant that I didn't have to take the daily injections, that I might never have another episode, that I might not ever even have to think about this again, except for the necessary coping of having a permanently numb arm. Unfortunately, in my mind, those "mights" became "woulds" and I was convinced that I was fine.
About 2 months ago now, it became glaringly apparent that wasn't the case. As I was taking off my socks one evening and my nail scrapped the bottom of my foot, I noticed that the feeling was gone. Immediately I was gripped with fear and started to tear up. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. By the next morning all of the feeling on my left side was gone again, and so it was off to the neuro to start the s word...steroids. For 2 weeks, every morning I took the awful pills, at ridiculously high doses with out any relief of the numbness. While I didn't get relief, I did get increased appetite, weight gain, irritability, inability to sleep and overall being miserable. After 2 weeks my weight was UP 15lbs. I was less than 8 lbs from my goal, and now here I was a full 23 away now! How could this happen?! Since that time, it's been a huge struggle. I'll lose a little, and gain it right back. I'll put reminders all over my kitchen, threatening messages on my refrigerator and pantry touting, "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO EAT THAT?" And apparently even though I don't want the weight gain, and I'll beat myself up over it for days, I eat it anyway.
So a few days ago, I made a resolution. I had 60 days until an important event, and at that point, I was just a little over 15 lbs from my ultimate goal weight...you see where I'm going with this...so I had 60 days to lose 15lbs, that was just 1 lb every 4 days...I could do that. The first day went well, so did the 2nd, and most of the 3rd. Sunday is always a struggle for me. It's my "rest" day where I don't work out, and usually struggle the most with bad food choices. I thought I had done well. I had only a few M&Ms outside of my rigid meal plan, but apparently I had too much salt, because yesterday morning when I stepped on the scale and saw another gain, it was too much to bear, and so I self sabotaged, because that of course is the logical thing to do, and loaded up on carbs. I literally felt like I ate everything I saw, all the while feeling guilty and hearing that voice inside scream out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" Though I was able to shut her up with the batch of Bailey's cupcakes that I made, eating 2 giant ones... and then I went to bed with the personal promise to wake up early and work out, to get in an extra one today and to monitor my intake perfectly.
The alarm went off, and in the very literal sense I rolled over pulled the blanket of depression up over my face, and when I finally did get out of bed in response to the prodding of hungry toddlers, what did I consume for breakfast, but another Bailey's cupcake...because, just like the lyrics of the favorite kids song, "Ring Around the Rosie," we all fall down...now the key is just to get back up.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Just Say No
The word "no" is small but mighty, just like the intensity of sbd fart in a crowded room. We find plenty of times where the phrase "just say no" is so applicable and easy to utter. Talking to a teenager about peer pressure and drugs and alcohol--Just say NO, to an already intoxicated friend reaching for another cocktail--Just say NO, to our weight conscious friend reaching for the slice of chocolate cake--Just say NO, to the fashion impaired husband who thinks he needs another Hawaiian shirt--Just say NO. In these instances the word 'no' rolls off our tongue with ease and precision, without issue, cutting right to the point. There is no uncertainty that in any of these situations our opinion is clear, no ambiguity, the answer is NO.
This is the same case with my children when strolling through the store every item on the shelf is cue for the request "Can I have this?" Often times with them not even knowing what 'this' is. NO. "Honey there is a great deal on a 52" HDTV, don't you think we should get it while it's on sale?!" NO. It seems so easy...why then is it so difficult to utter this small little 2-letter word when it really matters? When we really have no interest in participating in a certain event, purchasing a particular product or even performing a voluntary task? Let's be honest, how many times have you gone to yet another home party, knowing full well that you had no need, interest or desire to purchase any of the product being offered, just because you were too chicken to say no? How many times have you begrudgingly given up a Saturday to help a friend move for the 15th time in 3 years just because you couldn't utter the word no, or worse you made up some stupid sorry excuse as to what other task you had to accomplish just to avoid saying no? How many times have you gotten roped into the 20 minute presentation for the Dead Sea Salt Scrub at the mall kiosk because you didn't just say no? I'm not judging...I do it too.
I've always felt anxiety over this word. I guess it's the natural tendency to try and be a people pleaser. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, I've always consented to things that I didn't want or didn't want to do. It wasn't until recently that I was placed on the receiving end of the response that I've found a new confidence with voicing my disinterest.
Working with Team Beachbody it is my job to present fitness and nutrition products and the coaching business opportunity to people who may or may not be interested, and there is really no way to know if someone might have an interest until I offer it to them. I can't tell you how much frustration I am met with when someone feigns interest. For those of you who have never worked sales of any kind there is a buzz phrase that is "The fortune is in the follow-up." So, plain and simple, if you act like you're interested, I'm going to talk to you about it again, but if you just say no, the conversation is over--not our friendship, just the conversation. I won't hassle you about it any further, I won't try to convince you that the opportunity is everything you've been looking for or the products with revolutionize your life (though I believe that they will). I'm not in the business of pressuring people, I don't want to waste your time or mine if you aren't interested, because while I'm sending you the 10th email about Shakeology, I'm missing my friend's post requesting weight loss tips--another opportunity. Yet even while I know this, and I feel this way, I still find myself pretending to be interested in an embroidered diaper bag when I usually just throw a diaper and wipes in my over-sized purse! I flip through a Pampered Chef catalog, even commenting on how cool some of the products are, knowing full well that if I try to cram even one more pineapple corer or cherry pitter into my over stuffed shoe box sized kitchen it will probably burst at the seams. I stress over rearranging my schedule and finding a sitter so that I can attend another meeting or party with people I don't even like that much.
So, I say to you and myself, have confidence in your voice, put on your big girl panties and "Just Say NO" I promise you that no real friend will end your friendship because you didn't buy a cherry cobbler scented candle.
This is the same case with my children when strolling through the store every item on the shelf is cue for the request "Can I have this?" Often times with them not even knowing what 'this' is. NO. "Honey there is a great deal on a 52" HDTV, don't you think we should get it while it's on sale?!" NO. It seems so easy...why then is it so difficult to utter this small little 2-letter word when it really matters? When we really have no interest in participating in a certain event, purchasing a particular product or even performing a voluntary task? Let's be honest, how many times have you gone to yet another home party, knowing full well that you had no need, interest or desire to purchase any of the product being offered, just because you were too chicken to say no? How many times have you begrudgingly given up a Saturday to help a friend move for the 15th time in 3 years just because you couldn't utter the word no, or worse you made up some stupid sorry excuse as to what other task you had to accomplish just to avoid saying no? How many times have you gotten roped into the 20 minute presentation for the Dead Sea Salt Scrub at the mall kiosk because you didn't just say no? I'm not judging...I do it too.
I've always felt anxiety over this word. I guess it's the natural tendency to try and be a people pleaser. Not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, I've always consented to things that I didn't want or didn't want to do. It wasn't until recently that I was placed on the receiving end of the response that I've found a new confidence with voicing my disinterest.
Working with Team Beachbody it is my job to present fitness and nutrition products and the coaching business opportunity to people who may or may not be interested, and there is really no way to know if someone might have an interest until I offer it to them. I can't tell you how much frustration I am met with when someone feigns interest. For those of you who have never worked sales of any kind there is a buzz phrase that is "The fortune is in the follow-up." So, plain and simple, if you act like you're interested, I'm going to talk to you about it again, but if you just say no, the conversation is over--not our friendship, just the conversation. I won't hassle you about it any further, I won't try to convince you that the opportunity is everything you've been looking for or the products with revolutionize your life (though I believe that they will). I'm not in the business of pressuring people, I don't want to waste your time or mine if you aren't interested, because while I'm sending you the 10th email about Shakeology, I'm missing my friend's post requesting weight loss tips--another opportunity. Yet even while I know this, and I feel this way, I still find myself pretending to be interested in an embroidered diaper bag when I usually just throw a diaper and wipes in my over-sized purse! I flip through a Pampered Chef catalog, even commenting on how cool some of the products are, knowing full well that if I try to cram even one more pineapple corer or cherry pitter into my over stuffed shoe box sized kitchen it will probably burst at the seams. I stress over rearranging my schedule and finding a sitter so that I can attend another meeting or party with people I don't even like that much.
So, I say to you and myself, have confidence in your voice, put on your big girl panties and "Just Say NO" I promise you that no real friend will end your friendship because you didn't buy a cherry cobbler scented candle.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Understanding your "why"
There is this buzz phrase among Beachbody coaches that's all about "Understanding your 'why'" and the concept is that you have to regularly revisit why you got into the business, and what your goals are so that you don't lose momentum. When I first chose to become a Beachbody coach, I went along with the trend and considered my reasoning, but since then I've felt a compulsion to assess this in the other areas of my life.
I've been thinking about the "why" a lot since last night. While watching the Biggest Loser, we got into a discussion about why so many of the contestants ultimately fail and gain the weight back after the finale and they go back to their 'normal' lives. The problem is that often times the contestants aren't committed to the journey for the sake of their health, but rather the cash prize at the end. I understand that competition is a great motivator, but I think in many of the contestants cases, that becomes the goal, not reclaiming their lives. Their "why" is out of whack! I said in that moment, that I was glad that I never had a quick fix, an easy solution or a big cash prize that I was working for on my journey. I have literally had to fight for every pound that I've lost. I've calculated every calorie, measured every ingredient, and sweated out every calorie with hours of cardio. This is not about me saying that I'm better than them, it's that I know that going back is never an option for me, it's been too hard to get where I am, but the only reason that I've been able to get where I am is because I have a clear "why".
When I started trying to lose weight, I was miserable. I hated myself and rarely left the house because I was so embarrassed of my size, and most of the time I didn't even get out of my pajamas. When I finally decided that it was time to lose the weight, it wasn't just about looking better, and while that was obviously part of the motivation, it had a lot more to do with other bigger factors. I've been overweight my whole life. Even as a very young child, I was overweight, and by the time I was a teenager I was clearly obese, and growing up as a "fat kid" is one of the most emotionally crippling experiences. Plain and simple, kids are mean. I remember daily coming home from school in tears because I was called "fat" or yet another joke was made about it not being over until the fat lady sings, and being taunted to sing, or the group of boys grimacing in disgust as they taunted one of their own telling me that he liked me. Never being able to shop at the same stores as my peers, wearing "old lady clothes" instead of the trendy teenage clothing because nothing came in my size. There was no "Juniors Plus" department when I was a kid. Long story short, it was painful. I hated every minute of my chubby childhood, and I didn't ever want my children to experience that same sort of pain, but how could I expect them to eat healthily avoid the junk food and be active when I wasn't setting that example?!
Another big factor comes back to one of 3 books that top my list as changing my mentality fundamentally. Almost 4 years ago now, I read the book "For Women Only" which I had received as a wedding gift. From page 1 I was engrossed in this book, but the final chapter is what rocked my world. This last chapter discusses how not taking care of yourself can show your spouse that you don't care about them, and of course I'm not doing it justice by clearly not explaining the concept as well as it is in the book, but the point is that just like in our relationship with God, we honor our spouse, when we take good care of ourselves. On the more physical level, men are visual creatures, this is why the porn videos are a multi-billion dollar industry with the vast majority of the patrons being men. A man will be more attracted to his wife when she is taking care of herself because not only does it show him that she cares for him, but tends to amplify her confidence, and flat out, confidence is sexy. For me, this struck right to the heart. I have an overwhelming love and respect for my husband. I whole-heartedly believe that he is the most amazing man currently living on the planet. Had Christ never lived as a man, that last sentence would have read "the most amazing man that ever lived." The point is that I know even at my lowest he loved me and I didn't ever want him to be embarrassed of me. I wanted him to always find me attractive, and to be happy to introduce me to co-workers or friends, and I didn't ever want him to be the butt of jokes because of his "fat wife." My "why" was clear. It was for my husband and my girls, and that has never changed. Sure there has been extra push to lose weight for particular events, but that's never been the destination, just another stop on the journey.
Anyway, I tell this story because I think this is an important concept. Why do you invest your time in the things that you do? Why lead a particular group? Why try to lose weight, or make extra money? When you have a goal with a firm "why" you want to achieve it, you will be more successful in achieving it and a reason not to give up when the journey gets tough.
I've been thinking about the "why" a lot since last night. While watching the Biggest Loser, we got into a discussion about why so many of the contestants ultimately fail and gain the weight back after the finale and they go back to their 'normal' lives. The problem is that often times the contestants aren't committed to the journey for the sake of their health, but rather the cash prize at the end. I understand that competition is a great motivator, but I think in many of the contestants cases, that becomes the goal, not reclaiming their lives. Their "why" is out of whack! I said in that moment, that I was glad that I never had a quick fix, an easy solution or a big cash prize that I was working for on my journey. I have literally had to fight for every pound that I've lost. I've calculated every calorie, measured every ingredient, and sweated out every calorie with hours of cardio. This is not about me saying that I'm better than them, it's that I know that going back is never an option for me, it's been too hard to get where I am, but the only reason that I've been able to get where I am is because I have a clear "why".
When I started trying to lose weight, I was miserable. I hated myself and rarely left the house because I was so embarrassed of my size, and most of the time I didn't even get out of my pajamas. When I finally decided that it was time to lose the weight, it wasn't just about looking better, and while that was obviously part of the motivation, it had a lot more to do with other bigger factors. I've been overweight my whole life. Even as a very young child, I was overweight, and by the time I was a teenager I was clearly obese, and growing up as a "fat kid" is one of the most emotionally crippling experiences. Plain and simple, kids are mean. I remember daily coming home from school in tears because I was called "fat" or yet another joke was made about it not being over until the fat lady sings, and being taunted to sing, or the group of boys grimacing in disgust as they taunted one of their own telling me that he liked me. Never being able to shop at the same stores as my peers, wearing "old lady clothes" instead of the trendy teenage clothing because nothing came in my size. There was no "Juniors Plus" department when I was a kid. Long story short, it was painful. I hated every minute of my chubby childhood, and I didn't ever want my children to experience that same sort of pain, but how could I expect them to eat healthily avoid the junk food and be active when I wasn't setting that example?!
Another big factor comes back to one of 3 books that top my list as changing my mentality fundamentally. Almost 4 years ago now, I read the book "For Women Only" which I had received as a wedding gift. From page 1 I was engrossed in this book, but the final chapter is what rocked my world. This last chapter discusses how not taking care of yourself can show your spouse that you don't care about them, and of course I'm not doing it justice by clearly not explaining the concept as well as it is in the book, but the point is that just like in our relationship with God, we honor our spouse, when we take good care of ourselves. On the more physical level, men are visual creatures, this is why the porn videos are a multi-billion dollar industry with the vast majority of the patrons being men. A man will be more attracted to his wife when she is taking care of herself because not only does it show him that she cares for him, but tends to amplify her confidence, and flat out, confidence is sexy. For me, this struck right to the heart. I have an overwhelming love and respect for my husband. I whole-heartedly believe that he is the most amazing man currently living on the planet. Had Christ never lived as a man, that last sentence would have read "the most amazing man that ever lived." The point is that I know even at my lowest he loved me and I didn't ever want him to be embarrassed of me. I wanted him to always find me attractive, and to be happy to introduce me to co-workers or friends, and I didn't ever want him to be the butt of jokes because of his "fat wife." My "why" was clear. It was for my husband and my girls, and that has never changed. Sure there has been extra push to lose weight for particular events, but that's never been the destination, just another stop on the journey.
Anyway, I tell this story because I think this is an important concept. Why do you invest your time in the things that you do? Why lead a particular group? Why try to lose weight, or make extra money? When you have a goal with a firm "why" you want to achieve it, you will be more successful in achieving it and a reason not to give up when the journey gets tough.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Today is a good day!
It is with a triumphant spirit that I type those words, and actually believe them. Today IS a good day. It's been a while since I've shared the intimate details of my life because I simply have been far too preoccupied to find 15 minutes to sit down and share a measly little blog entry with you, but today, I have things so exciting to share with you that I simply couldn't put it off any longer!!
Today I was able to sleep in uninterrupted until 8:30!!
Today is the last day in my first round of Turbo Fire.
Today is the first day for me using Shakeology.
Today I broke the next 10 pound barrier in my weight loss journey that I've been battling for weeks!!
No matter what is going on in your life, there is nothing that sets off a day better than waking up completely on your own to the responses of your own body with no alarm clock, be it mechanical or toddler, and a full 3 1/2 hours later than I normally rise. This is all thanks to my mom who kept the girls last night so I could go wedding dress shopping with my bestie, cause she's getting married and I'm so excited!!! So I got to enjoy a night out shopping and dining, without any need to rush home and then sleep as long as I desired...it was just good, BUT on to more important things...
I feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment that I complete Turbo Fire. Sure, it's taken me more than the 12 weeks intended but that's because I've interrupted the schedule by doing the 5 Day Inferno 3 times and I've also, repeated 2 of the weeks twice because I didn't feel like I had given them appropriate attention and/or effort. The point is though, I did it! I actually stuck through with something clear to completion. I haven't hit all of my weight loss and fitness goals in these 12ish weeks, but I have changed my body dramatically! I've lost over 20 pounds and several inches off of my body (actual weight and measurements will come tomorrow) . I've literally gone from wearing a size 12 pants to now a size 6! Once again a Beachbody product has changed my life because I stuck to their motto "Decide. Commit. Succeed." (Period.) And I feel so good about it. I can't tell you how many times I've had lofty ideas about some fitness program or weight loss gimmick, some schedule that I said I would complete and get great results from only to be sitting on the couch eating ice cream straight from the carton by the end of week 1. It feels good. I feel like I've finally broken the trend. I'm done with the failure mentality and I honestly feel like I can do anything that I set my mind to. Perhaps that sounds cheesy, and I'm not asserting that Turbo Fire has given me a new lease on life but as another milestone in my journey, it has help solidify some of the habits and changes to my mindset that have been under construction for the last 17 months.
The next part is Shakeology! The thing is this, if you use any of the Beachbody products or hang around the website or any of the message boards for any period of time you kinda start to wonder what kind of crack they have put into this stuff to make everyone freak out over it so much, but then you feel that twinge of "I've gotta have it, too." And when you taste it for the first time, it all becomes abundantly clear!! Now, be prepared, I'm about to sound like one of the crazies, but hear me out. If you don't know what it is, Shakeology is a meal replacement shake, no not like Slim Fast. It is blend of over 70 whole-food, natural ingredients with a glycemic index of only 24 (anything below 50 is considered low!) and provides complete nutrition for your body, without any artificial sweeteners or chemicals to trick your body into feeling full. So, anyway, I ordered it. I've been anxious for it to arrive, and skeptical too. I've had this stuff built up so much by all of my counterparts that I was sure in no way could it live up to the expectations that I've had for it. So it got here yesterday, but I didn't get home until almost 11 last night, and despite wanting so desperately to blend up a shake right then and there, I waited until this morning. I was sure that I was going to be let down by the taste. I've drank a lot of protein shakes, and meal replacements, and no matter how good they claim to taste they all still have that awful after taste of something artificial and bad, but this...OH, this was DELICIOUS!
When I opened the enormous package, it smelled just like a dark cocoa powder, it was a good start. I chose to abandon all of the recipe idea cards for ways to mix it up and try out different flavors and I took it straight, blended with just a cup of water and some ice. The consistency was just like a rich creamy milk shake and the flavor wasn't that dissimilar. I called Alex and told him that it tasted just like something I'd had from Starbucks, almost like a frozen hot cocoa with a hint of cinnamon. It was so good! I said I even felt guilty drinking it because it was so rich that psychologically I was telling myself that I shouldn't be drinking it, but I SHOULD!! A little over 1/2 way through the shake and I really was already starting to feel full. It was tasty and it filled it's purpose, now I'm about 2 hours since I had the shake and I still feel perfectly satisfied! I'm anxious to see how it will help me feel overall. Since it is supposed to help with energy (without stimulants), weight loss, and overall health I want to see how I feel through the next 30 days, but this might have to serve as my official boarding pass for the bandwagon, because it's stinking TASTY!
And finally, probably the best news that I've ever gotten in the first 5 minutes of being awake came when I stepped on the scale this morning. I know there are several mixed feelings and a whole lot of opposition to weighing daily, or in many cases at all, but for me, it's something I have to do. You see if I don't have that "check" on me every day, if I don't feel like I'm going to have to account for my actions the previous day, I have more of a tendency to be a little more lax with my consumption or my workout schedule. I convince myself that a piece of pizza won't really hurt me, or I can have a few Oreo's, but if I know that I'm going to have to account for that pizza and cookies in the morning I'm more than likely going to pass it up, and so it keeps me accountable. I set a lot of short term goals for myself in my weight loss journey. When I have something I know I can hit relatively quickly, it makes it easier to keep momentum. Mostly this has been the 10 pound barriers. When it started I gave myself 2 weeks usually to lose each 10 pounds (at least for the first 30). Then I stretched it out to 3 weeks. A lot of the goals I haven't met, but it helps me keep momentum and have something to celebrate, so for example every time I would break the next 10 pound barrier, I celebrate. When I went from the 210's to 209, I celebrated, when I went from the 20x's to 199, I celebrated BIG TIME and now I've hit another big one. This is a big one because all my life while I've been overweight, I thought that this number was where I wanted to be. Several months ago, I knew that was no longer the case, but now I am lower than I ever thought I could be. I am less than 20 pounds away from my ULTIMATE goal weight. I am in single digit sizes! And I am plowing towards that goal with a ferocity of a wild beast. It's so close now! This is SUCH a huge celebration because I've been fighting this particular 10 pound barrier for quite some time. On December 4th, for the first time I was only 1 pound away, but through poor choices with my diet (diet being all of the food I eat, I am not "on a diet") my weight went on an upswing, and I was in that 5 pound buffer which is completely normal with sodium consumption, water retention, digestion, etc. but today, a full 14 days later, I broke it, and I'm partying like it's 1999!!
Today is INDEED a good day!
Today I was able to sleep in uninterrupted until 8:30!!
Today is the last day in my first round of Turbo Fire.
Today is the first day for me using Shakeology.
Today I broke the next 10 pound barrier in my weight loss journey that I've been battling for weeks!!
No matter what is going on in your life, there is nothing that sets off a day better than waking up completely on your own to the responses of your own body with no alarm clock, be it mechanical or toddler, and a full 3 1/2 hours later than I normally rise. This is all thanks to my mom who kept the girls last night so I could go wedding dress shopping with my bestie, cause she's getting married and I'm so excited!!! So I got to enjoy a night out shopping and dining, without any need to rush home and then sleep as long as I desired...it was just good, BUT on to more important things...
I feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment that I complete Turbo Fire. Sure, it's taken me more than the 12 weeks intended but that's because I've interrupted the schedule by doing the 5 Day Inferno 3 times and I've also, repeated 2 of the weeks twice because I didn't feel like I had given them appropriate attention and/or effort. The point is though, I did it! I actually stuck through with something clear to completion. I haven't hit all of my weight loss and fitness goals in these 12ish weeks, but I have changed my body dramatically! I've lost over 20 pounds and several inches off of my body (actual weight and measurements will come tomorrow) . I've literally gone from wearing a size 12 pants to now a size 6! Once again a Beachbody product has changed my life because I stuck to their motto "Decide. Commit. Succeed." (Period.) And I feel so good about it. I can't tell you how many times I've had lofty ideas about some fitness program or weight loss gimmick, some schedule that I said I would complete and get great results from only to be sitting on the couch eating ice cream straight from the carton by the end of week 1. It feels good. I feel like I've finally broken the trend. I'm done with the failure mentality and I honestly feel like I can do anything that I set my mind to. Perhaps that sounds cheesy, and I'm not asserting that Turbo Fire has given me a new lease on life but as another milestone in my journey, it has help solidify some of the habits and changes to my mindset that have been under construction for the last 17 months.
The next part is Shakeology! The thing is this, if you use any of the Beachbody products or hang around the website or any of the message boards for any period of time you kinda start to wonder what kind of crack they have put into this stuff to make everyone freak out over it so much, but then you feel that twinge of "I've gotta have it, too." And when you taste it for the first time, it all becomes abundantly clear!! Now, be prepared, I'm about to sound like one of the crazies, but hear me out. If you don't know what it is, Shakeology is a meal replacement shake, no not like Slim Fast. It is blend of over 70 whole-food, natural ingredients with a glycemic index of only 24 (anything below 50 is considered low!) and provides complete nutrition for your body, without any artificial sweeteners or chemicals to trick your body into feeling full. So, anyway, I ordered it. I've been anxious for it to arrive, and skeptical too. I've had this stuff built up so much by all of my counterparts that I was sure in no way could it live up to the expectations that I've had for it. So it got here yesterday, but I didn't get home until almost 11 last night, and despite wanting so desperately to blend up a shake right then and there, I waited until this morning. I was sure that I was going to be let down by the taste. I've drank a lot of protein shakes, and meal replacements, and no matter how good they claim to taste they all still have that awful after taste of something artificial and bad, but this...OH, this was DELICIOUS!
When I opened the enormous package, it smelled just like a dark cocoa powder, it was a good start. I chose to abandon all of the recipe idea cards for ways to mix it up and try out different flavors and I took it straight, blended with just a cup of water and some ice. The consistency was just like a rich creamy milk shake and the flavor wasn't that dissimilar. I called Alex and told him that it tasted just like something I'd had from Starbucks, almost like a frozen hot cocoa with a hint of cinnamon. It was so good! I said I even felt guilty drinking it because it was so rich that psychologically I was telling myself that I shouldn't be drinking it, but I SHOULD!! A little over 1/2 way through the shake and I really was already starting to feel full. It was tasty and it filled it's purpose, now I'm about 2 hours since I had the shake and I still feel perfectly satisfied! I'm anxious to see how it will help me feel overall. Since it is supposed to help with energy (without stimulants), weight loss, and overall health I want to see how I feel through the next 30 days, but this might have to serve as my official boarding pass for the bandwagon, because it's stinking TASTY!
And finally, probably the best news that I've ever gotten in the first 5 minutes of being awake came when I stepped on the scale this morning. I know there are several mixed feelings and a whole lot of opposition to weighing daily, or in many cases at all, but for me, it's something I have to do. You see if I don't have that "check" on me every day, if I don't feel like I'm going to have to account for my actions the previous day, I have more of a tendency to be a little more lax with my consumption or my workout schedule. I convince myself that a piece of pizza won't really hurt me, or I can have a few Oreo's, but if I know that I'm going to have to account for that pizza and cookies in the morning I'm more than likely going to pass it up, and so it keeps me accountable. I set a lot of short term goals for myself in my weight loss journey. When I have something I know I can hit relatively quickly, it makes it easier to keep momentum. Mostly this has been the 10 pound barriers. When it started I gave myself 2 weeks usually to lose each 10 pounds (at least for the first 30). Then I stretched it out to 3 weeks. A lot of the goals I haven't met, but it helps me keep momentum and have something to celebrate, so for example every time I would break the next 10 pound barrier, I celebrate. When I went from the 210's to 209, I celebrated, when I went from the 20x's to 199, I celebrated BIG TIME and now I've hit another big one. This is a big one because all my life while I've been overweight, I thought that this number was where I wanted to be. Several months ago, I knew that was no longer the case, but now I am lower than I ever thought I could be. I am less than 20 pounds away from my ULTIMATE goal weight. I am in single digit sizes! And I am plowing towards that goal with a ferocity of a wild beast. It's so close now! This is SUCH a huge celebration because I've been fighting this particular 10 pound barrier for quite some time. On December 4th, for the first time I was only 1 pound away, but through poor choices with my diet (diet being all of the food I eat, I am not "on a diet") my weight went on an upswing, and I was in that 5 pound buffer which is completely normal with sodium consumption, water retention, digestion, etc. but today, a full 14 days later, I broke it, and I'm partying like it's 1999!!
Today is INDEED a good day!
Monday, November 29, 2010
McFatFatFatFatFatty Monday
So, it's Monday again, and since I've decided to do these McFatty posts she looks at me like the popular girl in high school, just daring me to even think about coming close to her, and so as I draw nearer to Monday, just like the 5'7 size 2 blond with DD's in the lunch room, my self-esteem plummets. So, here comes the honesty...I've let you down.
I know my last post was all puppies and rainbows and motivational speaking about keeping the calories low and the weight loss high over the Thanksgiving weekend, but I've let you down. Here is the long and short of it. I'm a closet eater. I always have been, which is why no one could ever understand why I was so overweight when it didn't look like I ate that much. It's because I've always been embarrassed to eat in front of other people, no matter how much or how little I was eating. It's a shame thing. Just like any addiction, it isn't something you flaunt. So, I'd never sit down in a room full of people and eat a whole large pepperoni pizza for myself, that's not to say that I didn't do it, I just didn't let anyone see me do it. Now, that's not where I fell apart this weekend, but I did fall apart. Thanksgiving was the easy part. Everyone was watching. I did just as I planned. I made my healthy side dishes and ate only a small amount of turkey breast with the healthy sides, and some raw veggies. I had a few single bites of sides that Alex had served himself, but that I wasn't willing to risk the calories of overindulging by putting them on my plate. Then we went to my mom's house. Keep in mind that this was the 2nd stop for all of my siblings, and we're talking about only a total of 10 guests (including my 2 children), and this is what we walked into.
This was the buffet of side dishes
Miscellaneous Munchies, and pies
and 1/4 of the meat from the 20+ pound turkey that was made
I know my last post was all puppies and rainbows and motivational speaking about keeping the calories low and the weight loss high over the Thanksgiving weekend, but I've let you down. Here is the long and short of it. I'm a closet eater. I always have been, which is why no one could ever understand why I was so overweight when it didn't look like I ate that much. It's because I've always been embarrassed to eat in front of other people, no matter how much or how little I was eating. It's a shame thing. Just like any addiction, it isn't something you flaunt. So, I'd never sit down in a room full of people and eat a whole large pepperoni pizza for myself, that's not to say that I didn't do it, I just didn't let anyone see me do it. Now, that's not where I fell apart this weekend, but I did fall apart. Thanksgiving was the easy part. Everyone was watching. I did just as I planned. I made my healthy side dishes and ate only a small amount of turkey breast with the healthy sides, and some raw veggies. I had a few single bites of sides that Alex had served himself, but that I wasn't willing to risk the calories of overindulging by putting them on my plate. Then we went to my mom's house. Keep in mind that this was the 2nd stop for all of my siblings, and we're talking about only a total of 10 guests (including my 2 children), and this is what we walked into.
This was the buffet of side dishes
Miscellaneous Munchies, and pies
and 1/4 of the meat from the 20+ pound turkey that was madeI can't blame her for the excess. Her whole life has been spend in the food industry. She loves to entertain, and it's what she does--she's also Italian. So, I tried to do well. I had a few more bites here and there, but still feel like I held it together pretty well. I think it all fell apart somewhere around 2 o'clock Friday morning. Amidst our black Friday shopping we made a gas station run for some much needed caffeine, and I broke one of my cardinal rules. I could have easily opted for a black coffee, I drink black coffee all the time, and rather enjoy it, but instead, I decided to go with a cappuccino, and started off my day by drinking my calories. A full 24oz cup of calories and I repeated this offense 3 more times that day. The day was such a whirl, I didn't eat much after our very early breakfast at Ihop, where I chose the healthiest option on the menu, until that night and then it all fell apart. I binged on every unhealthy snack food that I had in my house, and there was a fair amount, with left overs and sweet treats that my mom bought for Alex and the girls, and then I went straight to bed, and this set the trend for the rest of the weekend. Out of fatigue from being up all night on Thursday and shopping all day on Friday, I was essentially useless on Saturday= more binging, and no workout. Sunday was the same story. I'm terrified to step on a scale, and so I haven't, but I can see and feel the gain in my mid-section.
I will weigh tomorrow. I will face the scale and face my failures. I will admit that I've fallen apart and will stop eating when no one is watching, but I will also complete the 5 Day Inferno this week. I am on track to burn off as many calories as humanly possible and only fuel my body with clean food. I will be back down to my successful loss of last week by Saturday when I see all of the extended family for our first of several Christmas celebrations...and I will hold it together there too.
I will weigh tomorrow. I will face the scale and face my failures. I will admit that I've fallen apart and will stop eating when no one is watching, but I will also complete the 5 Day Inferno this week. I am on track to burn off as many calories as humanly possible and only fuel my body with clean food. I will be back down to my successful loss of last week by Saturday when I see all of the extended family for our first of several Christmas celebrations...and I will hold it together there too.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Lighten Up!
It is with anxious anticipation and nervous apprehension that I approach Thanksgiving. A holiday so fundamental in its original intent to give thanks for the bountiful blessings in our lives, and yet it has become nothing more than an extravagant celebration of gluttony, in most cases. Being a self admitted food addict, I am terrified about the caloric content of the day, knowing that if I waltz into the aroma filled home of Alex's grandmother without a plan in mind that I'll easily consume 3 days worth of calories in a single meal, and so I've chosen to lighten up.
It's been said many times that I'm a little crazy when it comes to my calorie counting. I'm a little obsessive over what foods I eat, and writing down every calorie consumed. I'm a little crazy when I research the calorie content of a dish at a restaurant before I'll order or when I bring my own food to a dinner get together, and while not wanting to offend anyone on Thanksgiving I've come up with a plan. It is customary every year for each of the adults to bring some type of side dish to the celebration, helping alleviate some of the work load and the expense, and so I've chosen to bring side dishes that are hearty enough to sustain an appetite, but not ruin the meal plan and thought as a whole, I could lighten up the calorie content of the day. Here are my thoughts:
Instead of the rich cream and butter filled mashed potatoes, consider roasted seasonal root vegetables dressed with herbs and a drizzle of olive oil.
Instead of green bean casserole try fresh steamed green beans with roasted garlic and onions.
Celebrate the pumpkin in a means other than pie. Make mini pumpkin muffins using canned pumpkin and a box of spice cake mix. Still a sweet treat with pumpkin but with only right around 45 calories each!
Make baked sweet potatoes, sweetened with honey instead of brown sugar and marshmallows, but feel free to still top with some dry roasted pecan pieces.
Choose to roast just a turkey breast instead of the whole turkey, this will save you both on time and money!
When it comes to hors d'oeuvres choose a veggie or fruit tray and avoid some the more calorie dense meat and cheese trays. Graze on raw veggies before the meal so that you aren't starving and risk over eating.
Consider when the big meal of the day will be served, but do not hold out on eating until that meal. While you will surely want to enjoy all of the delicious autumnal fare, you don't want to wind up resembling the turkey--overstuffed.
Make sure you eat breakfast and even a morning snack to keep your metabolism high and your appetite low, being too hungry when it's meal time will cause you to over eat.
Eat slowly! Hunger cues come from your brain, not your stomach, if you wait for your stomach to feel full, you will have eaten too much.
Don't hang around the kitchen! Hanging around the food will cause you to snack out of habit, or boredom. Removing yourself from where the snacks are will keep you from unconsciously adding to your calories.
Look out for the high calorie drinks like egg nog, soda and alcohol! If you're going to increase your calorie budget today, make sure you use it on things you actually want, like the food. Drinking a single glass of egg nog can cost you as much as 360 calories!! That's the same as 1/2 POUND of turkey breast!
And last but not least here is my pick for this year: Spaghetti Squash with Ricotta, Sage, and Pine Nuts! When I first found this recipe on another blog for easy, healthy and inexpensive recipes, I thought it was too good to be true, even took the time to calculate the calorie content myself because with the creamy deliciousness of the ricotta I thought there was no way we were coming in at under 200 calories, but it's true! I did a dry run with it before testing it out on the masses on Thanksgiving, and in the words of Rachel Ray, "YUMM-O!" It was seriously delicious. Of course, I'm not one to follow a recipe as it stands and I gotta always put my Michelle twist on it so, I cut back to only 1/2 cup of ricotta, and addled about 1/2 tablespoon of Parmesan cheese to each serving, because I felt like it needed a little something, and it was 162 calories per serving! Hello, you're not gonna find any other pasta dish that hearty and that low on calories! Plus, it is a great dish for the fall--very hearty and seasonal with the use of the squash and pine nuts.
Hopefully, I've given you some tips on how to lighten up this Thanksgiving so that we can be truly thankful and not mourning the pants that you can't button as you head out for the Black Friday sales.
It's been said many times that I'm a little crazy when it comes to my calorie counting. I'm a little obsessive over what foods I eat, and writing down every calorie consumed. I'm a little crazy when I research the calorie content of a dish at a restaurant before I'll order or when I bring my own food to a dinner get together, and while not wanting to offend anyone on Thanksgiving I've come up with a plan. It is customary every year for each of the adults to bring some type of side dish to the celebration, helping alleviate some of the work load and the expense, and so I've chosen to bring side dishes that are hearty enough to sustain an appetite, but not ruin the meal plan and thought as a whole, I could lighten up the calorie content of the day. Here are my thoughts:
Instead of the rich cream and butter filled mashed potatoes, consider roasted seasonal root vegetables dressed with herbs and a drizzle of olive oil.
Instead of green bean casserole try fresh steamed green beans with roasted garlic and onions.
Celebrate the pumpkin in a means other than pie. Make mini pumpkin muffins using canned pumpkin and a box of spice cake mix. Still a sweet treat with pumpkin but with only right around 45 calories each!
Make baked sweet potatoes, sweetened with honey instead of brown sugar and marshmallows, but feel free to still top with some dry roasted pecan pieces.
Choose to roast just a turkey breast instead of the whole turkey, this will save you both on time and money!
When it comes to hors d'oeuvres choose a veggie or fruit tray and avoid some the more calorie dense meat and cheese trays. Graze on raw veggies before the meal so that you aren't starving and risk over eating.
Consider when the big meal of the day will be served, but do not hold out on eating until that meal. While you will surely want to enjoy all of the delicious autumnal fare, you don't want to wind up resembling the turkey--overstuffed.
Make sure you eat breakfast and even a morning snack to keep your metabolism high and your appetite low, being too hungry when it's meal time will cause you to over eat.
Eat slowly! Hunger cues come from your brain, not your stomach, if you wait for your stomach to feel full, you will have eaten too much.
Don't hang around the kitchen! Hanging around the food will cause you to snack out of habit, or boredom. Removing yourself from where the snacks are will keep you from unconsciously adding to your calories.
Look out for the high calorie drinks like egg nog, soda and alcohol! If you're going to increase your calorie budget today, make sure you use it on things you actually want, like the food. Drinking a single glass of egg nog can cost you as much as 360 calories!! That's the same as 1/2 POUND of turkey breast!
And last but not least here is my pick for this year: Spaghetti Squash with Ricotta, Sage, and Pine Nuts! When I first found this recipe on another blog for easy, healthy and inexpensive recipes, I thought it was too good to be true, even took the time to calculate the calorie content myself because with the creamy deliciousness of the ricotta I thought there was no way we were coming in at under 200 calories, but it's true! I did a dry run with it before testing it out on the masses on Thanksgiving, and in the words of Rachel Ray, "YUMM-O!" It was seriously delicious. Of course, I'm not one to follow a recipe as it stands and I gotta always put my Michelle twist on it so, I cut back to only 1/2 cup of ricotta, and addled about 1/2 tablespoon of Parmesan cheese to each serving, because I felt like it needed a little something, and it was 162 calories per serving! Hello, you're not gonna find any other pasta dish that hearty and that low on calories! Plus, it is a great dish for the fall--very hearty and seasonal with the use of the squash and pine nuts.
Hopefully, I've given you some tips on how to lighten up this Thanksgiving so that we can be truly thankful and not mourning the pants that you can't button as you head out for the Black Friday sales.
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