Week 26: Still pregnant....

I suppose that looking at the title of this post the emotion that is coming through is annoyance. Well...I am slightly annoyed. Not with the pregnancy. On the whole the only major complaint that I have with the pregnancy is the heartburn. Every other symptom that has come with it has be relatively uneventful and as soon as the symptoms are gone, so are the memories of it's annoyance. With that having been said, I'm just overall frustrated with several of the following:

-Moods: I hate the fact that I feel as if I have absolutely no control over my own emotions. I hate that I start crying for absolutely no reason and have no way of stopping myself. I hate that I love my husband so much and yet develop an innate disdain for him over something relatively unimportant. I hate that I can go from laughter to tears in a nanosecond.

-Sleep: I hate that I never feel rested. That I can go to bed at 8:30 and a full 9 hours later still feel as exhausted as if I never went to sleep. I hate the way my hips hurt when I lay on my side--but have no option to turn over. I hate that I lay there awake in the middle of the night staring at the clock as it ticks away each minute while my loving husband snores next to me.

-Clothing: I hate that I have one of the most wonderful wardrobes that I've ever owned and every morning as I walk into my closet I have to by pass all of my favorite items to choose from the one of 5 things that actually fit. I hate that when I put any one of those 5 items on that I still just feel incredibly overweight and not at all pregnant.

-Abnormal: I hate that I feel so abnormal in regards to this whole pregnancy. I'm annoyed with the fact that I don't have that beautiful pregnant lady glow, that I don't feel beautiful. I'm more perplexed than annoyed by the fact that I don't have any weird cravings, I don't have to pee every 10 minutes. I also just feel like I'm lazy rather than enjoying my well deserved rest.

-Fears: I am so frustrated with all of the overwhelming fears that I am experiencing in regards to everything with this pregnancy. I hate that I am terrified to give birth and to be a mother. I'm so sick of the nightmares and the dreams that are so vivid that I question whether or not it actually happened. I'm so terrified to be a bad mother. I'm afraid that I won't be everything that she will need, that I won't know how to care for her and that I won't be prepared.

Much of that last frustration has developed with beginning the process of registering for baby items. Baby's R Us has been kind enough to provide a new parent's checklist on their website. The awful thing about it though is the fact that almost half of the stuff on the list I had no idea I needed or even existed. Additionally, I'm not even sure that I will know how to use the items when I do have them. And then for the things that I do need, how many? How many receiving blankets should we buy? How many spit rags? Should I go ahead and buy diaper rash cream? What baby monitors are best to buy? Should I go by the customer referral or should I depend on the features? Are the sound ones enough or should we get the ones with video capability? What happens if she comes early and we are unprepared? How will I know when I'm going into labor? What do I take to the hospital? How will I know the difference between Braxton Hicks and actual contractions? Should I get an IV? Should I opt for the epidural?

In the process of registering I also encountered the terrifying contraption that is the breast pump. While I have no question that I intend on breastfeeding, the breast pump absolutely terrifies me. Now I've become aware of several options for the pump: the electric, battery powered and the manual hand pump. I have separate and very valid concerns regarding each of the 3. The electric pump concerns me in there not being any suction control. So what happens if it "sucks" harder or faster than I produce. I can't imagine the awful pain that will inflict upon my already sore nipples. Then there is the battery powered...so mid pump the battery just dies...what then? I'm all ready to pump out this milk to feed my child while I'm away and I'm unable to. Then there's the manual pump...just doing that to myself seem so foreign and bizarre. And then what happens if you get a cramp in your hand? Of course I suppose there is always the alternative of having someone else perform the pumping for you but that presents too much of the "milking a cow" phenomenon that weirds me out in the first place. And I am just certain that it will be painful. The whole process I'm sure will just be so painful that it is unbearable.

Oh what other joys and fears I have left to experience in the next 14 weeks we shall see...

P.S.--I've finally kicked the sickness--whatever it was that hung on so miserably long and got worse last week (why I didn't post). Now I have a broken toe--seems like small potatoes but it keeps me from waddling as I normally would and hurts like you wouldn't believe.