I have this little problem, and I've always thought of it as a little problem, until last night. I firmly believe that everyone is afraid of something, whether they chose to admit it or not. I've always acknowledged my fears, though tried to disguise some of them as they are a little embarrassing and of course, that's the one I have to talk about.
Yesterday was a tizzy. There was this certain buzzing anxious energy in the air clear across the country as we all braced for the "Deadly Tornado Outbreak." I'll admit that weather this year has been chaotic, but once again we were built up for little more than a few strong thunderstorms (at least in our area)*. So, perhaps it was my heightened sense of anxiety from watching 10 solid hours of weather coverage predicting some of the worst weather we've ever seen as I reexamined our renter's insurance decisions and wondered if it was too late to call and change the policy, perhaps it was the emotional chaos that has been my life over the past several months that has me overly sensitive to my phobias, or perhaps it's just getting worse.
You see, I have a fear of all things with wings. I'm not talking fear of bees or wasps, or even birds, but rather ALL THINGS WITH WINGS, especially (brace for the crazy...) butterflies and moths. I don't particularly know what it is but they completely freak me out. I mentioned the weather earlier, because with all of the threats, in true Jefferson county fashion, we, along with all of our cigarette stenched, beer toting, toothless neighbors, stood barefoot in the street watching the clouds converge overhead and amass into the "wall cloud" that would torment south county and city, while our front door stood wide open. So, it should have been no surprise that as I sat awake at midnight, self-loathing the food choices I'd made and trying to determine if I had the strength for one more workout, that I'd see a large winged insect join me in the living room. As it flitted toward the lamp, I was completely gripped with a debilitating fear. I was caught in the place of how crazy is it to wake up my husband in the middle of the night to kill a harmless bug, there is no way I can possibly think about sleeping with this menace wreaking havoc in my home, and I'm going to have to get close to this thing if I'm going to kill it. So, naturally, I did the only logical thing there was to do...and tried to lock myself in the bathroom. EXCEPT I apparently had lost sight of it for a moment and he beat me in there. So, there I was in the smallest room of the house, with my worst fear staring me in the face, I decided that I'd have to muster the courage to kill it, and ran out of the room to find something sufficient for the job. Moments later, I returned with a notebook, shaking like a scared chihuahua with tears streaming down my face and soliciting the power of the Holy Spirit to help me kill this thing, I finally mustered the courage to do it, scooped up the remains with some toilet paper and flushed the toilet 3 times just to make sure it was gone. As I caught sight of my tear stained face in the mirror, I realized "There is something wrong with me." Although this realization quickly faded as I surrendered to the physical fatigue and went to bed.
This event would largely have been erased from my conscious memory, had I not faced another very similar situation just moments ago. A small moth, no larger than a dime, somehow found it's way into my kitchen. Perhaps it had been camping out somewhere since last night waiting to toy with my emotions for killing his buddy, or perhaps he squeezed in through one of our ill fitting screens. At any rate, as I came into the kitchen to make my daily shake, he fluttered up from the sink. Completely paralyzed by fear once again, I did the only thing I could think to do and tried to dump water on him. They can't fly with wet wings, right?! That's what the fairies in Tinkerbell say anyway! Well, let me tell you, those fairies are dirty, rotten, little liars!! I must have dumped a full cup of water on that pest and he sat very still, so I thought I was safe to squash him with the nearby coffee mug and carefully wash his remains down the running garbage disposal (don't judge me, I told you I was irrational and I have fears of them coming back to life and having it out for me, for trying to kill them. I gotta make sure they're dead). BUT as I approached him with the mug he took off flying right towards my face! With flailing arms I shooed him away, not sure where he got off to and as I anxiously flinch at every hint of movement I see in my home, I realize, it might be time to seek help...
*My heart truly goes out to all of the families across the country who have faced the devastating weather over the past several weeks, especially those in Joplin, MO and in no way mean to minimize their devastation by ridiculing the meteorologists in our area who overplay weather fears.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Hello, My name is Michelle and I am a stay at home mom...
I am a stay at home mom. There is no debate as to that fact, though I think there is some debate as to what that actually means and what it truly entails. In recent weeks there have been certain expectations of me that don't exactly fit into the mold.
Initially the issue lies in the title itself--"Stay at home" I might be in the minority here, but of most of the moms who I know who don't work outside of the home, staying home is rarely on the agenda, or if the schedule does permit for residing inside the residence, there are a whole slew of tasks which must be accomplished, and therefore my issue lies in the title "stay at home." You see, when I hear that I think of the date night proposition, "What would you like to do tonight honey?" "Oh, lets just stay at home" As if the notion of staying home alludes to a form of relaxation and de-stress, where as the role of unpaid mother is anything but. So, for all of my readers who have a misconception about the SAHM let me clear up a few things for you.
I am a SAHM this means that I raise my own children. I am solely responsible for teaching them the principles of sharing, cooperation, courtesy, manners, basic skills, etc. I am responsible for providing well balanced nutritious meals for my children, and alternatively I am the only one to blame if the foods they eat are not of the nutritional value that is optimal. This means that I am also responsible for providing essential entertainment for my children, including but not limited to occasional playdates with Nick Jr., Disney Channel or PBS. Having made the decision not to incur the weekly $120 expense for pre-school, this means that I am also responsible for nurturing the young minds on all matters of counting, color identification, letter identification and all of the certain "required" pre-school musical renditions. My care for my children also includes keeping a meticulous schedule of play dates, doctors appointments, and extracurricular activities and all of their necessary accoutrements.
Unrelated to the care of my children, my responsibilities as a SAHM also include keeping a tidy home, running the necessary errands to keep the pantry and refrigerator stocked with only the most nutritious of nourishment which I am also responsible to prepare 3-6 times per day. I launder, mend, alter and sometimes manufacture the clothing. I prepare Bible studies, try to maintain some friendships, and peace within familial bonds as well as try follow-up with some of the 30+ adopted children of sorts that are in the youth group. Seeing as how I value physical health I also must allow ample time to achieve my necessary caloric burn for the day, and sometimes manage to get a shower and brush my hair.
However, as a stay at home mom, I do not sit around in my pajamas all day (with the exception of the instances when my day starts chaotically so early that I am unable to get dressed), nor watch television and spend hours perusing Facebook. I do not eat bon bons and certainly do not watch soap operas. I like to cook good food, but am certainly not a gourmet chef nor a short order cook. I read far less often than I would like and much of what I read is 26 pt font on a board book, or all of the "proper" ways to parent of which I'm usually miserably short on the check list. I can't remember the last time that I attempted a novel, and the IQ required reading that I am able to accomplish is usually, fully or in part related to my home based business. I may not work outside of the home, but I do work, likely more hours than any individual on the planet would be willing to work for any employer. I don't get paid. I manage a budget for which I am not factored into. I wake up early and go to bed late and my days are full of appointments.
Believe it or not, just because I do not have set hours, does not mean that my time is at your disposal. I am not available to run errands, make appointments, or do lunch with out advanced notice. I come with excess baggage, and if you would rather that baggage not be part of said appointment, even more notice is required. I do not check my email or Facebook messages all day long. If you need me, you must call me, and if you do call me and I do not answer, that means I am busy. What it does not mean is call again in 2 minutes. LEAVE A MESSAGE! I am completely unavailable between the hours of 1-3pm, which is nap time. This is the single waking opportunity during my day when I can *potentially* have just a few moments of silence, assuming that nap time occurs without a hitch. This is the time that is usually used to workout, shower, and/or manage my home business. Should an appointment or meeting have to be attended to during this time, I expect the caregiver during the time to put my children down for their regular naps. However, this regularly does not happen and I am therefore forced to deal with a completely irrational and emotionally unstable semblance of a tiny human. If there is no caregiver during that time and my children miss their naps, I accept full responsibility for the meltdowns--begrudgingly. If you show up at my home unannounced, do not expect it to be perfectly tidy, or my appearance to be desirable or even presentable in most cases.
Therefore, I bring my rant full circle to this. I am not a stay at home mom, but rather a mother who does not work outside of the home. Though my life may not have written appointments with high brow executives in overpriced suits I am not at everyone's disposal at a moments notice.
Initially the issue lies in the title itself--"Stay at home" I might be in the minority here, but of most of the moms who I know who don't work outside of the home, staying home is rarely on the agenda, or if the schedule does permit for residing inside the residence, there are a whole slew of tasks which must be accomplished, and therefore my issue lies in the title "stay at home." You see, when I hear that I think of the date night proposition, "What would you like to do tonight honey?" "Oh, lets just stay at home" As if the notion of staying home alludes to a form of relaxation and de-stress, where as the role of unpaid mother is anything but. So, for all of my readers who have a misconception about the SAHM let me clear up a few things for you.
I am a SAHM this means that I raise my own children. I am solely responsible for teaching them the principles of sharing, cooperation, courtesy, manners, basic skills, etc. I am responsible for providing well balanced nutritious meals for my children, and alternatively I am the only one to blame if the foods they eat are not of the nutritional value that is optimal. This means that I am also responsible for providing essential entertainment for my children, including but not limited to occasional playdates with Nick Jr., Disney Channel or PBS. Having made the decision not to incur the weekly $120 expense for pre-school, this means that I am also responsible for nurturing the young minds on all matters of counting, color identification, letter identification and all of the certain "required" pre-school musical renditions. My care for my children also includes keeping a meticulous schedule of play dates, doctors appointments, and extracurricular activities and all of their necessary accoutrements.
Unrelated to the care of my children, my responsibilities as a SAHM also include keeping a tidy home, running the necessary errands to keep the pantry and refrigerator stocked with only the most nutritious of nourishment which I am also responsible to prepare 3-6 times per day. I launder, mend, alter and sometimes manufacture the clothing. I prepare Bible studies, try to maintain some friendships, and peace within familial bonds as well as try follow-up with some of the 30+ adopted children of sorts that are in the youth group. Seeing as how I value physical health I also must allow ample time to achieve my necessary caloric burn for the day, and sometimes manage to get a shower and brush my hair.
However, as a stay at home mom, I do not sit around in my pajamas all day (with the exception of the instances when my day starts chaotically so early that I am unable to get dressed), nor watch television and spend hours perusing Facebook. I do not eat bon bons and certainly do not watch soap operas. I like to cook good food, but am certainly not a gourmet chef nor a short order cook. I read far less often than I would like and much of what I read is 26 pt font on a board book, or all of the "proper" ways to parent of which I'm usually miserably short on the check list. I can't remember the last time that I attempted a novel, and the IQ required reading that I am able to accomplish is usually, fully or in part related to my home based business. I may not work outside of the home, but I do work, likely more hours than any individual on the planet would be willing to work for any employer. I don't get paid. I manage a budget for which I am not factored into. I wake up early and go to bed late and my days are full of appointments.
Believe it or not, just because I do not have set hours, does not mean that my time is at your disposal. I am not available to run errands, make appointments, or do lunch with out advanced notice. I come with excess baggage, and if you would rather that baggage not be part of said appointment, even more notice is required. I do not check my email or Facebook messages all day long. If you need me, you must call me, and if you do call me and I do not answer, that means I am busy. What it does not mean is call again in 2 minutes. LEAVE A MESSAGE! I am completely unavailable between the hours of 1-3pm, which is nap time. This is the single waking opportunity during my day when I can *potentially* have just a few moments of silence, assuming that nap time occurs without a hitch. This is the time that is usually used to workout, shower, and/or manage my home business. Should an appointment or meeting have to be attended to during this time, I expect the caregiver during the time to put my children down for their regular naps. However, this regularly does not happen and I am therefore forced to deal with a completely irrational and emotionally unstable semblance of a tiny human. If there is no caregiver during that time and my children miss their naps, I accept full responsibility for the meltdowns--begrudgingly. If you show up at my home unannounced, do not expect it to be perfectly tidy, or my appearance to be desirable or even presentable in most cases.
Therefore, I bring my rant full circle to this. I am not a stay at home mom, but rather a mother who does not work outside of the home. Though my life may not have written appointments with high brow executives in overpriced suits I am not at everyone's disposal at a moments notice.
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