So while it seems pretty natural and normal to have nightmares in regards to any large life changing event the dreams associated with pregnancy have been overall pretty bizarre. And while I was coping fairly well with the bizarre dreams the horrifying nightmares have been slightly debilitating. At this point I think it is also necessary to note that I am fairly superstitious when it comes to dreams. I feel that dreams have certain predictive power--which may have been noted in previous posts about predicting the sex of the baby. This one dream in particular had me devastated.
You see last night was when this dream happened. I dreamt that Michaela was born as a still birth and as I was laying there holding her I was weeping just uncontrollably. This morning when I woke up I was hysterical. I was completely terrified that my baby had died during the night. As I sat there weeping and hysterically gasping for breath, I was pleading with God to feel her kick, just for some assurance that she was still alive. For a few moments I sat there clutching my ever protruding stomach begging to feel movement. When I finally did it was a phenomenal sense of relief. And I must take a moment to note how amazing Alex was in regards to all of this. As he sat there--already running late for work--just holding me and consoling me as a means of reassurance that it was just a dream and our baby was fine and healthy. I just must thank God for his answers to prayer and for the sacrificial love of a husband.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Week 19: Peanut has a Name
So we found out on Monday that our lovely little Peanut no longer requires the androgyny of "Peanut" for a name. She is now Michaela. It is so wonderful to be able to call her a her rather than an it or baby or peanut. I have really started to feel her move more though it comes in spurts. Some days I feel like there is an epileptic fish in my stomach and other days wonder if the baby I saw on the monitor was actually mine. For the most part I am fairing pretty well. The fatigue is still ever present but not as daunting as a few weeks ago. I don't get sick as often from foods and the morning sickness is pretty much completely gone--with the exception of a few Mondays which may be a psychological manifestation of the sensation of illness as an aversion to work--the most likely explanation.
With everything that is going on lately I wonder how I am ever going to be able to handle a baby when I crumble the way I do under this pressure. I know I've mentioned it before but I cry all the time. I have finally finished this semester and I was thinking that would be a relief to not have to worry about classes but Christmas--as excited as I am about it, is really stressing me out this year. I know we still have a week but there are presents that aren't finished or purchased yet that are really worrying me. I mean I know we will have all of them on time but I just don't feel like there is enough time to take care of them all. As if that is not enough to worry about, we are trying to buy this house. And in all of our expert planning we decided that we should try and close before the end of the year which means not only do we have to finish purchasing and wrapping Christmas presents we also have to get inspections and insurance and appraisals and everything else done so that we can close on the 28th like we want to. That also means that the week of Christmas I am going to be packing all week. Let me also mention--I hate moving!! In the past 2 years I have moved 8 times and during all of those moves I have some how managed to just keep acquiring more and more stuff. Moving used to be easy 2 black trash bags and a suitcase and everything I owned was by my side. Now there is furniture and dishes and appliances and just the thought of moving it all--especially while being pregnant is absolutely overwhelming. And it isn't so much about doing the work. It is much more about not doing the work. Seeing as how I am pregnant there won't be any actual moving for me to do. With everyone so excited about Michaela on her way if I even think about lifting a laundry basket and "risking the health of that baby" I will certainly never hear the end of it. Now for most people I'm sure this would be a good thing...right? Not having to do any of the work. But for me this is the point of utter insanity. You see if I can't do anything, I can't assure that it is getting done the way that I want it to. But alas--I suppose Michaela and I will just have to sit back and supervise.
With everything that is going on lately I wonder how I am ever going to be able to handle a baby when I crumble the way I do under this pressure. I know I've mentioned it before but I cry all the time. I have finally finished this semester and I was thinking that would be a relief to not have to worry about classes but Christmas--as excited as I am about it, is really stressing me out this year. I know we still have a week but there are presents that aren't finished or purchased yet that are really worrying me. I mean I know we will have all of them on time but I just don't feel like there is enough time to take care of them all. As if that is not enough to worry about, we are trying to buy this house. And in all of our expert planning we decided that we should try and close before the end of the year which means not only do we have to finish purchasing and wrapping Christmas presents we also have to get inspections and insurance and appraisals and everything else done so that we can close on the 28th like we want to. That also means that the week of Christmas I am going to be packing all week. Let me also mention--I hate moving!! In the past 2 years I have moved 8 times and during all of those moves I have some how managed to just keep acquiring more and more stuff. Moving used to be easy 2 black trash bags and a suitcase and everything I owned was by my side. Now there is furniture and dishes and appliances and just the thought of moving it all--especially while being pregnant is absolutely overwhelming. And it isn't so much about doing the work. It is much more about not doing the work. Seeing as how I am pregnant there won't be any actual moving for me to do. With everyone so excited about Michaela on her way if I even think about lifting a laundry basket and "risking the health of that baby" I will certainly never hear the end of it. Now for most people I'm sure this would be a good thing...right? Not having to do any of the work. But for me this is the point of utter insanity. You see if I can't do anything, I can't assure that it is getting done the way that I want it to. But alas--I suppose Michaela and I will just have to sit back and supervise.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Week 18: Ok...NOW I feel pregnant...
So first of all I would like to apologize for missing a week but in all fairness--life is insane right now. OK, so now that apologies are out of the way let's get to the important stuff.
So I eluded to the fact that life has been insane and I think that in every possible way I have understated that point. Pregnancy is really hitting me full force. As I was getting dressed in the bathroom the other day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that there is now a fairly sizable bulge where my stomach used to be. Anxiety about feeling fat is slowly fading as I realize that I am looking more pregnant daily. And I got my first real comment on my "pregnant belly" earlier this week. I really don't feel as if it is quite noticeable yet and granted the woman who made the comment did know that I was pregnant but it felt nice to know that I might not look fat but that I do in fact have this wonderful life growing inside of me.
Alex and I have taken to affectionately referring to our child as "Peanut." We do this because we don't yet know the sex of the baby and Peanut seems to satisfy the necessary androgyny where as not to inflict any unnecessary trauma or gender association on our oh so fragile unborn child. And though we are content in our ignorance until our next ultrasound, everyone else seems to have some inclination or preference as to the sex. My mother is insistent that Peanut is a girl. Her reasons for thinking this way are of course resulting from the utmost of scientific reasoning... We have decided that if Peanut is a girl that her name will be Michaela--the scientific reasoning that has resulted in the assurance of the double X chromosome is her frequent contact with women named Michaela. Of course then there is the running poll that my co-workers have started as to whether Peanut is a boy, girl or alien. And then there is the feeling. Now up until this point I have had no indications one way or another. Alex and I have both had a certain preference but were content with the sex of the baby going either way. But something strange happened this morning.
You see one of the lesser known side-effects of pregnancy are the vivid dreams that fill your sleep. As a result of these bizarre dreams Alex and I have gotten into the habit of exchanging dreams in the morning--him knowing that bizarre nature of my dreams will certainly put his to shame. But among all of my unnaturally weird dreams last night I had one that was fairly normal...I had a dream that we had gone for our ultrasound and the doctor told us that we were having a boy. Now this apparently is a fairly common dream among pregnant women, however as I was recounting the details to my wonderful husband I watched his mouth grow progressively wider as he told me he had the same dream. In addition, my boss--who purports to be somewhat of an authority on predicting the sex of unborn children strolls up to my desk and writes 3 little letters on my notepad B-O-Y. Of course we are well aware of the sheer coincidental possibility of this all but it is still pretty incredible.
At this point, if I have still held any readers captive amongst all of my wordiness, I suppose I should get at what has happened that is so significant to make me feel pregnant. I am quite certain that I felt Peanut kick last night!!! I was beginning to feel that perhaps my ever increasing mid section was in fact bad indigestion and alien formation until that moment. And I am still unsure as to whether what I felt was indeed a kick or rather a psychological desire manifested with such strength to produce a physical sensation. At either rate it gave me the satisfaction that my baby is alive and kicking (no pun intended--or maybe it was intended a little). Of course Alex has felt quite left out, not realizing that I would be feeling the movement of Peanut long before he would be able to with his hand on my stomach--but his excitement was no less.
Food cravings have hit me full force and at the forefront of them all is chili. I know it sounds strange but I cannot get enough of it. Not to mention, it affords me the opportunity to dump as much hot sauce as possible into the bowl--another quite pressing craving. Of course since these cravings are not exactly the most gentle on the stomach sleeping has been a luxury. The indigestion is so intense that I feel as if I will be minus one esophagus by morning. Not to mention the paranoia that if I sleep on my back that Peanut will not receive the necessary blood flow and will ultimately die, or that I will crush him/her with my body if I happen to find myself on my stomach. I know that God has His hand on our delicate little Peanut but I can't help but feel terrified that I might crush God's hand as I roll over too...
So I eluded to the fact that life has been insane and I think that in every possible way I have understated that point. Pregnancy is really hitting me full force. As I was getting dressed in the bathroom the other day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that there is now a fairly sizable bulge where my stomach used to be. Anxiety about feeling fat is slowly fading as I realize that I am looking more pregnant daily. And I got my first real comment on my "pregnant belly" earlier this week. I really don't feel as if it is quite noticeable yet and granted the woman who made the comment did know that I was pregnant but it felt nice to know that I might not look fat but that I do in fact have this wonderful life growing inside of me.
Alex and I have taken to affectionately referring to our child as "Peanut." We do this because we don't yet know the sex of the baby and Peanut seems to satisfy the necessary androgyny where as not to inflict any unnecessary trauma or gender association on our oh so fragile unborn child. And though we are content in our ignorance until our next ultrasound, everyone else seems to have some inclination or preference as to the sex. My mother is insistent that Peanut is a girl. Her reasons for thinking this way are of course resulting from the utmost of scientific reasoning... We have decided that if Peanut is a girl that her name will be Michaela--the scientific reasoning that has resulted in the assurance of the double X chromosome is her frequent contact with women named Michaela. Of course then there is the running poll that my co-workers have started as to whether Peanut is a boy, girl or alien. And then there is the feeling. Now up until this point I have had no indications one way or another. Alex and I have both had a certain preference but were content with the sex of the baby going either way. But something strange happened this morning.
You see one of the lesser known side-effects of pregnancy are the vivid dreams that fill your sleep. As a result of these bizarre dreams Alex and I have gotten into the habit of exchanging dreams in the morning--him knowing that bizarre nature of my dreams will certainly put his to shame. But among all of my unnaturally weird dreams last night I had one that was fairly normal...I had a dream that we had gone for our ultrasound and the doctor told us that we were having a boy. Now this apparently is a fairly common dream among pregnant women, however as I was recounting the details to my wonderful husband I watched his mouth grow progressively wider as he told me he had the same dream. In addition, my boss--who purports to be somewhat of an authority on predicting the sex of unborn children strolls up to my desk and writes 3 little letters on my notepad B-O-Y. Of course we are well aware of the sheer coincidental possibility of this all but it is still pretty incredible.
At this point, if I have still held any readers captive amongst all of my wordiness, I suppose I should get at what has happened that is so significant to make me feel pregnant. I am quite certain that I felt Peanut kick last night!!! I was beginning to feel that perhaps my ever increasing mid section was in fact bad indigestion and alien formation until that moment. And I am still unsure as to whether what I felt was indeed a kick or rather a psychological desire manifested with such strength to produce a physical sensation. At either rate it gave me the satisfaction that my baby is alive and kicking (no pun intended--or maybe it was intended a little). Of course Alex has felt quite left out, not realizing that I would be feeling the movement of Peanut long before he would be able to with his hand on my stomach--but his excitement was no less.
Food cravings have hit me full force and at the forefront of them all is chili. I know it sounds strange but I cannot get enough of it. Not to mention, it affords me the opportunity to dump as much hot sauce as possible into the bowl--another quite pressing craving. Of course since these cravings are not exactly the most gentle on the stomach sleeping has been a luxury. The indigestion is so intense that I feel as if I will be minus one esophagus by morning. Not to mention the paranoia that if I sleep on my back that Peanut will not receive the necessary blood flow and will ultimately die, or that I will crush him/her with my body if I happen to find myself on my stomach. I know that God has His hand on our delicate little Peanut but I can't help but feel terrified that I might crush God's hand as I roll over too...
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Week 16--Mood Swings and Mothers
I think it's strange that no matter how much you have heard and prepare through all of the countless mothering and pregnancy books and magazines that you read that you are never fully prepared for the emotional roller coaster that your hormones will take you on. I know that over the last 15 weeks I have experienced the radical emotions that come with pregnancy but I don't think that I really realized the irrationality until the last few days.
Now I think that it is necessary to elaborate on the extent of the range and spontaneity of these emotions. For example every Monday night without fail, I have to go to class and every Monday without fail, Alex is off of work and yet this Monday parting from him to go to class was so distressing that I burst into tears. As if that weren't bad enough, I cry at EVERY song on the radio...now I'm sure you are probably thinking that is an exaggeration but literally every song makes me cry--either because it is so sweet that I cry from happiness, or that it is so sad that I can't contain the tears welling up in my eyes. But the emotions aren't limited to crying--not by any means. On the other side I am so overwhelmingly excited about Christmas and everything Christmas related that I already have our house fully decorated and nearly half of our presents purchased. And anything even slightly Christmas related makes me feel like I am going to burst with excitement.
Well, all of these emotions have led to an unnatural attachment to my mother. I know that women often reconnect with their mothers when they get pregnant but if I don't talk to my mom at least twice each day I really feel like something is missing from my day. Not to mention that for the last several weeks I have spent nearly every Saturday with her and actually hate to see her leave. Plus it helps to know that she is so supportive and despite her constant claims that she is unhappy about the pregnancy being so soon she is so excited to be a grandma which is such a huge relief.
Of course at this point when I realize that I am nearly half-way through my pregnancy the fear has really started to set in. I think about how irresponsible I can be with certain things and I am afraid that I will not be responsible enough to care for someone who is so totally dependent upon me. And at the same time I can't wait to have this wonderful little bundle of joy here to care for and give all of my love and attention to. The anxiousness for our wonderful little baby has let me to dote upon everyone else's children. Again, I feel that it is necessary to elaborate upon that last statement. You see I have frequently found myself in situations with an abundance of women such as craft fairs well, women have babies--babies which I feel the necessity to talk to and play with and tell how cute they are--and I'm talking EVERY BABY! I suppose this may just be the preparation process...
Now I think that it is necessary to elaborate on the extent of the range and spontaneity of these emotions. For example every Monday night without fail, I have to go to class and every Monday without fail, Alex is off of work and yet this Monday parting from him to go to class was so distressing that I burst into tears. As if that weren't bad enough, I cry at EVERY song on the radio...now I'm sure you are probably thinking that is an exaggeration but literally every song makes me cry--either because it is so sweet that I cry from happiness, or that it is so sad that I can't contain the tears welling up in my eyes. But the emotions aren't limited to crying--not by any means. On the other side I am so overwhelmingly excited about Christmas and everything Christmas related that I already have our house fully decorated and nearly half of our presents purchased. And anything even slightly Christmas related makes me feel like I am going to burst with excitement.
Well, all of these emotions have led to an unnatural attachment to my mother. I know that women often reconnect with their mothers when they get pregnant but if I don't talk to my mom at least twice each day I really feel like something is missing from my day. Not to mention that for the last several weeks I have spent nearly every Saturday with her and actually hate to see her leave. Plus it helps to know that she is so supportive and despite her constant claims that she is unhappy about the pregnancy being so soon she is so excited to be a grandma which is such a huge relief.
Of course at this point when I realize that I am nearly half-way through my pregnancy the fear has really started to set in. I think about how irresponsible I can be with certain things and I am afraid that I will not be responsible enough to care for someone who is so totally dependent upon me. And at the same time I can't wait to have this wonderful little bundle of joy here to care for and give all of my love and attention to. The anxiousness for our wonderful little baby has let me to dote upon everyone else's children. Again, I feel that it is necessary to elaborate upon that last statement. You see I have frequently found myself in situations with an abundance of women such as craft fairs well, women have babies--babies which I feel the necessity to talk to and play with and tell how cute they are--and I'm talking EVERY BABY! I suppose this may just be the preparation process...
Monday, November 20, 2006
Week 16 - Un-Understanding
It seems i continue to be un-sympathetic, un-appologetic, and mostly un-understanding. I really am trying to understand what all of this is like, but God says i will never experience what she is going through. I just feel like i continually come up short in everything that i do. I work so hard and so much so we can afford our bills and saving for a baby, but i guess that knowledge of me making so much money makes me feel like i should have the freedom to spend money more often. i know i am wrong, it is just a psychological thing. If i make more, i should be able to spend more. but then a question of where to draw the line comes up. if i go to Macdonald's once a month, thats not a big deal. but then that turns into once a week then once a day, and finally, i am spending 60-70 dollars a week in food. that is a little crazy. i just wish i had the self control of anything more than an alcoholic! but thats on me. what i am talking about is the reaction that comes about. it seems to me that a more realistic reaction (and a less violent) would be to sit down and figure out whats going on. however, when things get blown up and way out of proportion, feelings start to get hurt and yelling happens, then no one is happy and both parties feel down, demeanord, and dis-respected. I just need to know that it is understood that i don't know what is goin on in the head of a pregnant woman, and i need more understanding.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Perhaps I Spoke too soon...
While I do still believe that my boss is the least sympathetic of all individuals on this entire planet. Our meeting today went surprisingly smoothly. Apparently they just wanted to talk with me about putting me on intermittent FMLA meaning that HR would have a justification for my "frequent" absences. Oh well...15 more days...
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Week 15--Stress is Mounting
So I must admit that I am not at all original in my decision to start this blog about the journey of my pregnancy. I ripped off the idea from another couple but hey--that's what the internet is for anyway right?
With that having been said the anxiety surrounding this whole ordeal is reaching its peak. Life has been positively insane ever since those 2 pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test. Having been to my 2nd prenatal visit on Monday I realized that the primary focus and goal of my OB is to scare the crap out of me. After my last prenatal visit I was sent a LETTER that I had an irregular pap smear. OK....so what does that mean? Well..."big word...big word...yada yada yada. This happens all the time." So I'm concerned but the last "This happens all the time" sets my mind at ease...at least for the next 3 weeks until my next visit. Expecting this visit to be "routine" I am in for a rude awakening when they start explaining the abnormalities and prodding me in even more invasive ways than are usually typical at the gynecologists office. You see, the abnormality is "precancerous cells" but I'm not to be alarmed. NOT TO BE ALARMED!!!! You just told me that I have precancerous cells in my body, BUT not only are they in my body but dangerously close to my unborn child and I'm NOT TO BE ALARMED?!?!?! It really doesn't matter what the risk is, the word CANCER is terrifying for anyone. Ok so on this heightened anxious state she sends me on my way assuring me that in just 7 short months we will be able to fully determine whether or not these are actually cancer producing cells. Well that should make the rest of my pregnancy stress free. As if that's not enough...on my way out the door she stops me to offer another optional test for my unborn child. This test would allow us to determine if our child has any one of 3 chromosomal abnormalities which would cause Downs Syndrome. Why would my child have Downs Syndrome? I'm a relatively healthy young woman--why would that be an issue??? So with all of this swirling through my head--I leave feeling as ease and confident about the health of my baby--yeah right!
And then of course there are the lovely limitations of OTC drugs during pregnancy which provide the ultimate pain relief. Right! I know that right now we are just paranoid being new parents to be but there are certain things that just don't feel right. Like waking up with your heart racing and having a headache that lasts for days which the all powerful Tylenol just simply won't take away. All of this leads to the absence of work. Now I feel it is necessary to note that my current employer is the absolute least sympathetic of all individuals on this entire planet. That she assumes the utmost of double standards that a runny nose constitutes her "working from home" but a hospital visit (you being the patient) is an insufficient excuse for missing work. After missing 3 hours of work--not even a whole day but 3 hours because of the unbearable pain of a headache that for all practical purposes should be categorized as a migraine less the absence of the additional symptoms that accompany the headache--I receive an email that "we need to discuss all of your recent absences and instances of leaving early" WHAT??? I've only left early 2 times without having notified you previously that I had to because of doctor's appointments. Or I'm sorry is 4 weeks not enough notice for me to leave an hour early for a doctor's appointment??? And of course doctor's notes and hospital visits are not sufficient cause for missing work...my mistake.
With that having been said the anxiety surrounding this whole ordeal is reaching its peak. Life has been positively insane ever since those 2 pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test. Having been to my 2nd prenatal visit on Monday I realized that the primary focus and goal of my OB is to scare the crap out of me. After my last prenatal visit I was sent a LETTER that I had an irregular pap smear. OK....so what does that mean? Well..."big word...big word...yada yada yada. This happens all the time." So I'm concerned but the last "This happens all the time" sets my mind at ease...at least for the next 3 weeks until my next visit. Expecting this visit to be "routine" I am in for a rude awakening when they start explaining the abnormalities and prodding me in even more invasive ways than are usually typical at the gynecologists office. You see, the abnormality is "precancerous cells" but I'm not to be alarmed. NOT TO BE ALARMED!!!! You just told me that I have precancerous cells in my body, BUT not only are they in my body but dangerously close to my unborn child and I'm NOT TO BE ALARMED?!?!?! It really doesn't matter what the risk is, the word CANCER is terrifying for anyone. Ok so on this heightened anxious state she sends me on my way assuring me that in just 7 short months we will be able to fully determine whether or not these are actually cancer producing cells. Well that should make the rest of my pregnancy stress free. As if that's not enough...on my way out the door she stops me to offer another optional test for my unborn child. This test would allow us to determine if our child has any one of 3 chromosomal abnormalities which would cause Downs Syndrome. Why would my child have Downs Syndrome? I'm a relatively healthy young woman--why would that be an issue??? So with all of this swirling through my head--I leave feeling as ease and confident about the health of my baby--yeah right!
And then of course there are the lovely limitations of OTC drugs during pregnancy which provide the ultimate pain relief. Right! I know that right now we are just paranoid being new parents to be but there are certain things that just don't feel right. Like waking up with your heart racing and having a headache that lasts for days which the all powerful Tylenol just simply won't take away. All of this leads to the absence of work. Now I feel it is necessary to note that my current employer is the absolute least sympathetic of all individuals on this entire planet. That she assumes the utmost of double standards that a runny nose constitutes her "working from home" but a hospital visit (you being the patient) is an insufficient excuse for missing work. After missing 3 hours of work--not even a whole day but 3 hours because of the unbearable pain of a headache that for all practical purposes should be categorized as a migraine less the absence of the additional symptoms that accompany the headache--I receive an email that "we need to discuss all of your recent absences and instances of leaving early" WHAT??? I've only left early 2 times without having notified you previously that I had to because of doctor's appointments. Or I'm sorry is 4 weeks not enough notice for me to leave an hour early for a doctor's appointment??? And of course doctor's notes and hospital visits are not sufficient cause for missing work...my mistake.
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