Week 16--Mood Swings and Mothers

I think it's strange that no matter how much you have heard and prepare through all of the countless mothering and pregnancy books and magazines that you read that you are never fully prepared for the emotional roller coaster that your hormones will take you on. I know that over the last 15 weeks I have experienced the radical emotions that come with pregnancy but I don't think that I really realized the irrationality until the last few days.

Now I think that it is necessary to elaborate on the extent of the range and spontaneity of these emotions. For example every Monday night without fail, I have to go to class and every Monday without fail, Alex is off of work and yet this Monday parting from him to go to class was so distressing that I burst into tears. As if that weren't bad enough, I cry at EVERY song on the radio...now I'm sure you are probably thinking that is an exaggeration but literally every song makes me cry--either because it is so sweet that I cry from happiness, or that it is so sad that I can't contain the tears welling up in my eyes. But the emotions aren't limited to crying--not by any means. On the other side I am so overwhelmingly excited about Christmas and everything Christmas related that I already have our house fully decorated and nearly half of our presents purchased. And anything even slightly Christmas related makes me feel like I am going to burst with excitement.

Well, all of these emotions have led to an unnatural attachment to my mother. I know that women often reconnect with their mothers when they get pregnant but if I don't talk to my mom at least twice each day I really feel like something is missing from my day. Not to mention that for the last several weeks I have spent nearly every Saturday with her and actually hate to see her leave. Plus it helps to know that she is so supportive and despite her constant claims that she is unhappy about the pregnancy being so soon she is so excited to be a grandma which is such a huge relief.

Of course at this point when I realize that I am nearly half-way through my pregnancy the fear has really started to set in. I think about how irresponsible I can be with certain things and I am afraid that I will not be responsible enough to care for someone who is so totally dependent upon me. And at the same time I can't wait to have this wonderful little bundle of joy here to care for and give all of my love and attention to. The anxiousness for our wonderful little baby has let me to dote upon everyone else's children. Again, I feel that it is necessary to elaborate upon that last statement. You see I have frequently found myself in situations with an abundance of women such as craft fairs well, women have babies--babies which I feel the necessity to talk to and play with and tell how cute they are--and I'm talking EVERY BABY! I suppose this may just be the preparation process...

Week 16 - Un-Understanding

It seems i continue to be un-sympathetic, un-appologetic, and mostly un-understanding. I really am trying to understand what all of this is like, but God says i will never experience what she is going through. I just feel like i continually come up short in everything that i do. I work so hard and so much so we can afford our bills and saving for a baby, but i guess that knowledge of me making so much money makes me feel like i should have the freedom to spend money more often. i know i am wrong, it is just a psychological thing. If i make more, i should be able to spend more. but then a question of where to draw the line comes up. if i go to Macdonald's once a month, thats not a big deal. but then that turns into once a week then once a day, and finally, i am spending 60-70 dollars a week in food. that is a little crazy. i just wish i had the self control of anything more than an alcoholic! but thats on me. what i am talking about is the reaction that comes about. it seems to me that a more realistic reaction (and a less violent) would be to sit down and figure out whats going on. however, when things get blown up and way out of proportion, feelings start to get hurt and yelling happens, then no one is happy and both parties feel down, demeanord, and dis-respected. I just need to know that it is understood that i don't know what is goin on in the head of a pregnant woman, and i need more understanding.

Perhaps I Spoke too soon...

While I do still believe that my boss is the least sympathetic of all individuals on this entire planet. Our meeting today went surprisingly smoothly. Apparently they just wanted to talk with me about putting me on intermittent FMLA meaning that HR would have a justification for my "frequent" absences. Oh well...15 more days...

Week 15--Stress is Mounting

So I must admit that I am not at all original in my decision to start this blog about the journey of my pregnancy. I ripped off the idea from another couple but hey--that's what the internet is for anyway right?

With that having been said the anxiety surrounding this whole ordeal is reaching its peak. Life has been positively insane ever since those 2 pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test. Having been to my 2nd prenatal visit on Monday I realized that the primary focus and goal of my OB is to scare the crap out of me. After my last prenatal visit I was sent a LETTER that I had an irregular pap smear. OK....so what does that mean? Well..."big word...big word...yada yada yada. This happens all the time." So I'm concerned but the last "This happens all the time" sets my mind at ease...at least for the next 3 weeks until my next visit. Expecting this visit to be "routine" I am in for a rude awakening when they start explaining the abnormalities and prodding me in even more invasive ways than are usually typical at the gynecologists office. You see, the abnormality is "precancerous cells" but I'm not to be alarmed. NOT TO BE ALARMED!!!! You just told me that I have precancerous cells in my body, BUT not only are they in my body but dangerously close to my unborn child and I'm NOT TO BE ALARMED?!?!?! It really doesn't matter what the risk is, the word CANCER is terrifying for anyone. Ok so on this heightened anxious state she sends me on my way assuring me that in just 7 short months we will be able to fully determine whether or not these are actually cancer producing cells. Well that should make the rest of my pregnancy stress free. As if that's not enough...on my way out the door she stops me to offer another optional test for my unborn child. This test would allow us to determine if our child has any one of 3 chromosomal abnormalities which would cause Downs Syndrome. Why would my child have Downs Syndrome? I'm a relatively healthy young woman--why would that be an issue??? So with all of this swirling through my head--I leave feeling as ease and confident about the health of my baby--yeah right!

And then of course there are the lovely limitations of OTC drugs during pregnancy which provide the ultimate pain relief. Right! I know that right now we are just paranoid being new parents to be but there are certain things that just don't feel right. Like waking up with your heart racing and having a headache that lasts for days which the all powerful Tylenol just simply won't take away. All of this leads to the absence of work. Now I feel it is necessary to note that my current employer is the absolute least sympathetic of all individuals on this entire planet. That she assumes the utmost of double standards that a runny nose constitutes her "working from home" but a hospital visit (you being the patient) is an insufficient excuse for missing work. After missing 3 hours of work--not even a whole day but 3 hours because of the unbearable pain of a headache that for all practical purposes should be categorized as a migraine less the absence of the additional symptoms that accompany the headache--I receive an email that "we need to discuss all of your recent absences and instances of leaving early" WHAT??? I've only left early 2 times without having notified you previously that I had to because of doctor's appointments. Or I'm sorry is 4 weeks not enough notice for me to leave an hour early for a doctor's appointment??? And of course doctor's notes and hospital visits are not sufficient cause for missing work...my mistake.