Both times that I have become pregnant I have felt like I was truly so blessed and thanked God for the wonderful gift of life that He was giving to Alex and me. It wasn't until today that I was truly humbled by how much I take these, and every other blessing in my life for granted.
I spend a lot of time lurking on a message board BOTB. Today one of the regulars on the site posted a link to a friend's blog and asking for prayer for her family. As I read the blog I fell to pieces. Today is the day before this woman has her scheduled c-section. She is going into this surgery knowing that her baby that she has carried full term has very serious medical complications including genetic and chromosomal abnormalities. The best prognosis at this point is that the baby will be born alive and may live for a few minutes, maybe hours, very unlikely days. Even with this devastating prognosis, this amazing woman has never lost her faith. She continues to pray and spend time in God's word daily. She even has faith enough to believe that this is part of God's plan for her precious child either to return to his place in heaven or to be a testament of God's miraculous healing power should he defy all odds.
As I read her posts of faithful optimism, I was humbled for this woman never has stopped praising God even in the midst of losing the most precious gift and yet I, who have been blessed with so many things find myself often times too busy to thank God for all he has given me. After I read through much of her story, Michaela had awoken from her nap and I took her in my arms and just cried for this precious blessing that God has given me. These feelings are not uncommon for me. As regularly I feel almost somewhat guilty when I visit this message board. There are so many women on there who have been trying for babies for months and some even years and here I am pregnant with my second without even "trying." I wonder why God has made it so easy for me--for us? Or perhaps it's the exact opposite. A baby wasn't something that we prayed for, for many months rather it was a miraculous blessing that He provided for us that we then had to turn to Him that He would help us to be able to provide for all that she needs. He has! As I look back over the past two years and I see how many times that we would have gone without food so that she could eat or have diapers and yet we never went hungry and neither did she. As I look at how far He has brought us--to a point where money isn't a stressor and collectors don't ring our phones. How far we have come and yet we still cease to give the praise to the one who most deserves it. We didn't do this on our own!
Our BIG ultrasound is one week from today, when we will find out the sex of the baby. I am fearful. We have spent so much time guessing and questioning what we think it might be and have both resolved that we think that it is a boy--either out of hopeful optimism to have a child of each sex or some true predictive ability we have begun actually refering to the baby as "he." I am afraid that we will be disappointed if the baby is another girl. Not that we would love the baby any less than we love Michaela or would love a baby boy but the sense of "I hope, I hope, I hope" is the perfect means by which to be disappointed if for any reason it is not as was anticipated. Through the whole pregnancy I have done nothing more than hope and pray that we have another healthy baby and that a c-section and all of the other various complications of the first might be avoided, and yet I've let the hopeful wishes of pleasing my husband cloud the true prayers of my heart. I know that more than anything Alex hopes that this baby is a boy. I want him to be happy, and while my true prayer is only for a healthy baby (boy or girl), I find myself hoping for his sake that the baby is a boy. Again, the blessing of a wonderful child is clouded by the greed of our desires.
Whether boy or girl, the baby seems to be healthy, moving often and growing steadily. Please keep my "friend" and her family in your prayers that God will have His way in there family and do a miraculous healing both physically and emotionally.
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