Shifting Focus

For the last several years I have been completely consumed with the focus of losing weight.  It seemed as though every moment of every day, my mind was focused either on the calories consumed or calories burned.  Each morning I would wake up and head straight to the bathroom for the morning pee and weigh in.  The state of my day would be determined by what number stared back at me.  I am ashamed to admit that truth.  I am ashamed to admit that I became terrified of food.  I am ashamed to admit that I allowed myself to believe at some point that I wouldn't have to worry about what I ate anymore.  Most of all, I'm ashamed to admit that I did stop worrying about what I ate.

About a year and a half ago, we knew we were going to be moving.  Alex and I had just returned from a weekend get away for our anniversary when for the first time, I fully indulged in everything that I hadn't allowed myself to eat for the two years prior.  I came home from that weekend feeling bloated and seeing a dramatic increase on the scale.  I wasn't happy.  I also was quite stressed.  Alex was traveling often for work and I was feeling overwhelmed by the thought of moving and handling all of the household responsibilities alone.  My focus was lost.

After several months, we moved.  We moved to a gorgeous house in the city.  We loved it and we loved all of the new local cuisine that was walking distance from the house.  My workouts started to trail off, my nutrition was suffering and though I wanted to care, and I wasn't happy about the way things were trending, I couldn't find the energy or motivation to get a handle on my life again.  Other things in life began to spiral out of control.  I found myself back in the kitchen to cope with stress, instead of the weight room.

I hadn't stepped on a scale for months.  I knew that things weren't looking pretty.  I could feel it in my clothes.  I could feel my endurance slipping away when I did occasionally attempt a workout.  I knew that things were beginning to get out of control.  I could feel the depression creeping back in.  I felt like such a fraud when people would compliment how far I'd come.  I felt angry and jealous as I saw Alex's weight continuously dropping while mine was on the rise.  I would resolve that I was going to get up early and only eat healthy stuff again, only to find myself sleeping until I had to get the girls up and grabbing a cookie first thing in the morning.

It was about 2 months ago, when I had a heart to heart with myself.  I had to remind myself that my happiness is within my control.  I had to remind myself how good it felt when I did good things for myself.  How much happier and more efficient and a better parent I was when I was taking care of myself.  I started again to "try" to eat better, only for it all to fall apart on the weekends when I would come home from work tired and we'd grab take out and a few beers and pass out on the couch.  I knew that I needed something dramatic to help me get focused on my diet again, and that's when I decided on the 21DSD.  The first few days when I wasn't working out and I was seeing the scale move, and I was ecstatic, but I didn't really feel like I was earning it, and it wasn't as rewarding as I remembered.  I lost 10 lbs very quickly, in less than a week.  I was over the moon.  I couldn't wait to see how much I'd drop by the end of the 3rd week.  Week 2 started, and the scale stalled.  I started to get angry.  I started to feel frustrated and that's when I added my workouts back in.  Sure, they were tough.  I got focused and picked back up the weight training that I'd stalled on for 2 weeks.  I was afraid that all of my strength gains had been lost.

I started in, planning to use the same weights that I'd used 2 weeks prior, but knowing that I'd probably have to lighten up.  To my utter shock and surprise, I lifted the weights with ease!  I needed to go HEAVIER!  I was confused, but pleased.  I completed my weight training that week with increased weights on every exercise.  The next week, it was the same story and even though the next 2 weeks only showed and additional 1lb loss on the scale, I didn't care.  I was triumphant on a whole other level.  For the first time I was able to celebrate GAINS rather than LOSES!  For the first time, I can look at myself and say, "Sure, I don't look exactly how I want to look.  I may not be the size that I'd prefer or have abs worthy of showing off (yet!), but I'm getting strong, and I'm fueling my body well and I'll get there."  Gone are the days of losing 10lbs a week, and as nice as that was, I'm ok with that.  I have found a love of weights that I never knew before, and I LOVE it!

Yes, I want to lose weight, at the very least, what I've gained in the last year and a half, and probably then some, but I've made my goals a little more fitness focused and less weight focused.  So, here they are.  Hold me accountable if you'd like.  Challenge me, competition keeps me focused ;) and be ready to celebrate BIG TIME when I meet, and EXCEED those goals!

Goals:

I am giving myself 45 days to try and lose 10lbs.
I currently cannot do any pull-ups.  I will be able to do 5 unassisted pull-ups by the end of the calendar year.
I will complete the Lean Phase of ChaLEAN Extreme (I've completed the other two phases already).
I will begin P90X immediately after I finish ChaLEAN Extreme.  I will not skip any workouts.
I will run the half marathon in 2014.